


September Snow

by time_escapes_me



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Harry is sad, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Nightmares, half the story consists of flashbacks, louis committed suicide, niall is always there for him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-16
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-05-07 03:34:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 26
Words: 41,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5441909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/time_escapes_me/pseuds/time_escapes_me
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been one year since Louis committed suicide, leaving Harry broken and completely depressed. He doesn't dare go outside and has no intentions of socializing with anyone ever again. His best friend, Niall, is left to help pick up the pieces of this never ending mess. Will Harry realize that there's more to life than torturing himself over the past?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

"You can love someone else." Niall states, while taking in Harry's miserable appearance. He sits in his room staring blankly at the wall, multiple bottles of alcohol scattered around the floor. "You don't have to live like this!"

"Whatever." He mumbles under his breath, making it near impossible for Niall to understand him.

"There's a whole world out there and you're just sitting here all alone! Don't you want to do something with your life? Don't you want to travel and see places other than this dark, old flat? You have to stop living in the past." Niall lectures, desperately trying to get through to Harry. "You don't believe me, but someday you will find a guy that makes you just as happy as Louis once did. You will. But you've got to get yourself out there, mate." His voice slightly cracks and he does his best not to cry. It hurts him more than anything to see his best friend in so much pain.

"Don't you get it? I don't want to find anyone else." Harry hisses, not caring that Niall is already close to tears. "Nobody will ever replace him, Niall. Not today. Not tomorrow. Never. There will never be another Louis."

Harry ignores the heartbroken expression on Niall's face. Of course he wishes he could stop living in the past. But he can't. 

The past is living in him.


	2. Chapter 2

Niall tightly closes his eyes and rests his head on the edge of the steering wheel. The car's engine and radio are already shut off, leaving the small space in a comfortable silence. He leisurely counts down the seconds in his head, knowing that this isn't going to last much longer.

With an almost inaudible sigh, Niall heaves himself out of the car and makes his way towards the door of the flat. He knows Harry is going to be a mess today. Well, an even bigger mess.

"Harry, I'm home." Niall yells as he pushes the door open. All of the lights are off, only the dim shadows of the television on in the living area are illuminating the room.

"I brought home something from work if you're hungry." Niall states this time, just loud enough so Harry can hear. There is no reply.

Niall turns on some lights before hanging up his coat. He then places the leftover food in the refrigerator, knowing for sure that it won't be eaten anytime soon. Next, he ventures into the living area to find the couch empty, which is nothing surprising.

None of this is new for him. It has become a bit of a routine. He would wake up in the morning, make breakfast for Harry that usually wasn't eaten, go to work, come home and maybe say a simple goodnight to Harry. But even that was rare.

It all started eleven months ago when Niall moved in. Harry was broken, shattered, and still in shock after everything that had happened the month before. Niall was Harry's closest friend at the time and never saw him so lost. Harry stopped going to work, talking to friends and family, and eventually never left the house. Niall didn't trust him alone and everyone (as in Anne, Robin, and Gemma) decided it would be best if they moved in together. He doesn't regret his decision. He loves Harry and wants to do everything he can to help him, but sometimes it's hard.

After sitting down on the couch, Niall lazily skims through the mail sitting on the coffee table. A frown appears on his face when he notices that they are all bills. Carefully, he tears open the one he knows will be the worst and cringes at the sight. The rent has almost doubled over the last few months. At this rate, he is going to have to get another job. He stares blankly at the piece of paper for a few minutes before deciding he has to talk to Harry about this, it can't keep getting put off.

Niall slowly walks down the hall and lightly taps on Harry's door.

"Harry, I need to talk to you about something." He speaks loudly from the other side of the door. Again, there is no answer. With a huff, Niall retrieves the key from on top of the door frame. It is always kept there for emergencies and yes, there have been many of those. He is just lucky the door could be locked from both inside and out.

Harry shows no emotion when Niall waltzes into the room. He continues to sit on his bed with his back propped up against the wall, as far into the corner of the room as he could be. His grey hoodie is zipped up tight, the two strings tied together in the perfect little bow. The sight makes Niall's heart ache, it always does. He is half taken back to find Harry sober since he's been coming home to find him drunk quite often. Other times he just sleeps the day away.

"So," Niall clears his throat trying to gain Harry's attention. "I wanted to talk to you about the rent..." He trails off. Harry looks up, urging him to keep to talking.

"It keeps going up. I'm doing everything I can to stay up to date on the bills but it's becoming impossible. I can't work any more hours at the diner, Harry. It's wearing me out." Niall does his best to remain calm, but his tone slowly rises. "I know this is a lot for you and I didn't want to talk to you about this today, but we have no choice. You have to start thinking about doing something and getting out of here. If you don't get a job soon, you're going to lose this place." Harry remains silent and Niall shakes his head. "It's been a year, Harry. You need to move on."

The comment rolls off of Harry almost instantly. He couldn't count the number of times people have told him to just 'move on already.' It doesn't work like that.

"If you're going to stand there and tell me what I already know, you can get the hell out." He snaps, wanting nothing more than to be left alone.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" Niall asks quietly as he starts to leave the room. "Louis wouldn't want-"

"Don't fucking say his name, Niall." He warns, "Don't."

Harry relaxes once the the door closes again and he remains alone. He did feel bad for treating Niall like that, guilty you could say, but they are both used to his outbursts by now.

He didn't always act this way though. For years, Harry was the happiest, funniest, and kindest person you would ever meet. He would never yell or raise his voice. And he was always finding the good in every bad situation. But maybe you could thank Louis for that.

Louis and Harry met in high school and were joined at the hip ever since. Louis was new to town and was nervous about going to a new school, none of the past ones worked out. He was beyond surprised when someone as perfect as Harry started talking to him and wanted to be his friend.

Louis was a mystery to Harry. He could be extremely flamboyant and outgoing most days, yet sometimes there were days when it seemed like he was just going through the motions. That sparkle in his eyes just wasn't there. Whatever Louis was hiding, Harry wanted to be the one to find out. And he did. Their relationship kept rapidly growing stronger, and eventually they decided to take it to the next level. Both boys had indescribable feelings towards one another and Harry fell for Louis with all he had.

Unfortunately, Louis was more broken than he liked to perceive. He had been bullied practically his whole life and it didn't stop until he started hanging out with Harry. No matter what he did, he still didn't feel good enough or worthy enough. His past would haunt him every night and he felt utterly worthless. Louis had become addicted to self-harming as a way of coping with his emotions. He knew it wasn't right and he knew it wasn't normal, but he felt he deserved every cut he gave himself. He simply punished himself.

After meeting Harry, he was able to stop this bad habit for quite a while. He stayed clean for a total of two years, but then it all came crashing down. It was as if a switch was flipped and he spiraled out of control. He was done trying and he was done fighting. It was a war within himself that he thought he would never win. So after five years of being in a relationship with Harry, he apologized time and time again. And one week later, he got his wish.

Harry blamed himself every night for not doing enough to help him. Whether it was taking away the pills, the razors, anything. He should've done more.

When Harry found Louis dead that morning in September, a piece of him died too. And that is a piece he will never get back. The memories of that day still torment him, even one year later. He wishes more than anything that he died with Louis, because life isn't worth living without him. Harry knew it must hurt losing someone to suicide, but he never fully understood the pain until the one person that meant the most to him was taken away. He gets it now. Suicide doesn't take the pain away, it just gives it to someone else. And that someone, is Harry.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Each chapter throughout the story until the end of the book will begin with a scene that occurred earlier in Harry's life, sort of like a flashback. A series of "* * * * *" seperates the past from the present.

"Hello?" Harry answers breathlessly into the phone. His fellow co-workers give a subtle stare as he rapidly leaves his desk and stands in the empty hallway of the office building.

"Um, hi." His heart thuds in his chest hearing Louis on the other line. The tone of his voice tells Harry that something isn't right.

"Are you okay, Lou? What's going on?" Harry asks quickly. This is the third or fourth time this week that Louis has called during work. It doesn't bother Harry, it just makes him worried.

"Nothing, I'm fine...I'm sorry." I'm sorry. Those are the same two words that he says every time he calls. It makes Harry even more anxious because what could he possibly be sorry for? Calling? Interrupting work? Louis knows he doesn't have to be sorry for either of those two things.

"It's okay love. How about we do something tonight? I can leave work early and we can go out." Harry suggests, wanting an excuse to get home early and make sure Louis is alright.

"You don't have to do that, Harry." He replies, not wanting him to lose his job or anything.

"Too late, I'm coming home. See you soon." Harry ends the call and shoves his phone back into his pocket. He tiredly runs a hand through his hair, while leaning against the wall.

"Louis, again?" Harry nods, a small sigh escaping his lips. Zayn, who just came back inside from his routine cigarette break, frowns. The pair have been close co-workers and friends ever since Harry got the job about a year ago. Zayn also knows a lot about Louis and his struggles, due to Harry's constant chatter about the boy.

"M' Sorry, mate. Things will get better." He comforts, giving Harry a pat on the shoulder.

"I've got to get home, do you mind faxing over the papers on my desk? I'll handle the rest tomorrow."

"I'll take care of it. Go." Zayn replies, "Louis is more important."

Well, Harry certainly can't argue with that.

* * * * * *

"Hey, Is everything alright?" Niall tiredly sets the pile of dishes down onto the counter, bleakly nodding to the voice he knows belongs to Liam.

"I'm just tired. Working all of these extra hours is taking its toll." He replies before starting to wipe down one of the empty tables.

"I bet. Why are you working so much anyways?" Liam wonders, while grabbing a rag to help clear tables. Niall and Liam have been friends for the past six months, ever since Liam was hired at the diner.

Niall shrugs, "Just lots of bills I have to stay on top of." He doesn't like talking much about Harry and the state he's in, it only provokes more questions being asked that Niall doesn't want to answer.

"We should hang out sometime. You know, like we did a few months ago? It seems like you could really use a drink." Liam states and Niall nods.

"Yeah, Are you doing anything tonight?" He asks suddenly, it is a Friday after-all.

"No." Liam shakes his head, "I was just going to stay in."

"Well, if you want I've got plenty to drink back at the flat. I was going to order a pizza or something. You're welcome to join me." Niall offers. He can't remember the last time he actually had plans on a Friday night. Niall doesn't bother asking Harry because this is one of the few friends he has had in a long time. It's Niall's flat too, therefore he can have whoever he wants over. And if Harry doesn't like it, well, that's too bad.

Liam smiles. "Alright, I'll meet you there."

-

Harry had been in and out of a light slumber all afternoon. It's rare that he sleeps through the whole night without being waken up by a nightmare, so he prefers to stay up most of the night and doze during the day. He actually manged to fall into quite a deep sleep until loud noises interrupted his somewhat peaceful state...talking, at that.

Who the hell would Niall be bringing over the flat at this time? He never comes home from work with company.

Harry hesitantly sits up and adjusts the sweatshirt he's wearing, making sure the hood isn't inside out. After hearing more of Niall's obnoxiously loud laugh, he debates whether he should stay in his room or go out into the living area. He's not one to socialize, but it's not everyday Niall comes home with a friend. It must be someone important.

"-HA! And then the guy asked me to change the order for the third time! Who does he think he is? I didn't even get a tip!" He hears Niall's voice echoing off the thin walls as he creeps down the small hallway.

"You know, sometimes- Oh!" Harry glances at Niall, who stops mid conversation once he is spotted. He then looks over to the person lounging on the couch next to Niall. And at that moment, it's as if time has froze.

"Didn't think I'd see you out here!" Niall exclaims, completely oblivious to what is about to go down. "This is Liam, he works at the diner. Liam, this is Harry."

Harry tries to open his mouth to say something in return, but nothing comes out. This can't be happening. He begs to himself over and over. This can't be happening.

"...Styles?" Liam wonders aloud, "I thought you looked familiar." He takes a brief pause and shakes his head before continuing, "Damn, I haven't seen you in years! How'd you end up here?"

Harry sends Niall a warning glare, while uncomfortably shifting in his place. He knows he won't be able to control what comes out of his mouth for very long. But then again, why should he care what Liam thinks of him after everything he's done?

"It's none of your business." He dismisses shortly.

"I understand." Liam replies coolly before asking, "Do you still hang around with that kid? You two seemed pretty close. I think his name was Logan or something... If you have his number, I would love to chat with him and maybe give him an apology. I was such an ass back then, Harry. I owe you an apology too."

Niall gives both of them a 'what the fuck is going on' kind of look and doesn't dare say a word. Harry remains silent while staring at a completely confused Liam who's scared he may have said something wrong. And he has never been more right.

"Get out." Harry bitterly states, losing any patience he may have had with the older boy.

"Harry-" Niall begins, but immediately gets cut-off. He has no idea what's gotten into him.

"Get the hell out of this flat or I will call the police." The acrimonious words slice through the air like a knife, making the tension in the room unbearable. Liam starts to rise from the couch while sharing unsure looks with Niall.

"Harry, let's talk for a minute." Niall quickly pulls the flustered boy aside before anything else can happen. This is not the first time he's acted this way.

"What is your problem now, mate?" Niall demands once the two are in Harry's room where Liam can't hear. That is, if he hasn't left yet...

"You treat me like I'm a ten-year-old." Harry rolls his eyes before continuing, "I don't want Liam in this flat, Niall. I'm serious. I'll get a damn restraining order if I have to."

Niall chuckles, "What is the big deal? Liam is a great guy. Obviously you two didn't get on that well in the past, but I'm sure he's changed-"

"No, you don't get it." Harry harshly interrupts. Changed. Liam will never change. He thought he could waltz right in here, to Harry's flat, with nothing but a lame apology. Was it shame, embarrassment, regret? Well, it's a little too late for that.  
A simple apology will never fix all of the damage he's already done to Harry's life. Liam's words will never be able to bring back the past...

Harry shakes his head angrily. "He's part of the reason my boyfriend is dead, Niall. He's one of many that bullied him the first three months before we met. He contributed to all of the self-hatred, depression, and suicidal thoughts." Harry spits every word as if it were a disease. The tone of his voice keeps rising and cracking due to all of the pent up emotions. By the time he utters out the final sentence, he's in tears.  
"He did that Niall, he t-took him away from m-me."


	4. Chapter 4

Harry shuts the door and sets his keys down onto the counter of the flat. He lets out a small sigh of relief when he hears the faint sound of the piano being played.

Louis.

Harry quietly walks down the hallway and stands in the doorway of their room. He watches as Louis glides his hands across the white and black keys, effortlessly creating a beautiful melody. It's rare that Louis ever plays instruments at home anymore, regardless of how talented he is. Harry can always tell if he's having a bad day, because that's when he turns to music. Music is a distraction from the daunting thoughts swirling around in his head. Music is his escape from reality.

A small smile spreads across Harry's lips when he recognizes the familiar song.  
"If I don't say this now  
I will surely break  
As I'm leaving the one  
I want to take  
Forgive the urgency but  
Hurry up and wait  
My heart has started to separate."

Harry can tell just how tired and despondent Louis is. He can feel the sincerity and raw emotion behind every note he sings. He can sense the passion... It's breath-taking. His fragile, angelic voice is breaking Harry's heart.

The soft tune suddenly stops before the chorus kicks in, causing Harry to feel guilty. He shouldn't have been watching Louis like that. Harry knows he hates it when people hear him sing.

"Didn't think you'd be home for a while..." Louis mumbles quietly, while looking over his shoulder and taking his hands off of the keys.

"I told you I was coming home." Harry replies and takes a seat at the piano bench next to Louis. "What's wrong, love?"

"I said you didn't have to leave work. I'm fine." He huffs in frustration.

"I know something is bothering you." Harry states, "You only play the piano when you're upset." Louis rolls his eyes before sighing. He doesn't like telling anyone what's bothering him, but Harry always manages to get it out of him.

"I can't do anything right." He whispers as his eyes slowly fill up with tears, "I can't even keep my fucking job!"

Harry had a feeling that's what the problem was. After the pair moved in together, they both decided to get jobs. Harry, of course, pursued writing and publishing. One of his favorite things to do in his spare time was write in his journal. Louis would marvel at the magnificent poems and stories his boyfriend would scribble down in just minutes. It was a natural gift to him.

Louis decided to apply to the local music shop, minutes away from Harry and the flat. He had always had a passion for playing the piano and guitar. Now, he had the opportunity to give young children lessons who were just as passionate as he was. Louis absolutely loved it. He finally felt like he had a purpose.

Two months ago, he got the news that completely changed everything. The small, family owned shop was going out of business due to insufficient funds. He never realized how much he loved his job until it was gone. He knew he could have done more to save the place and constantly blames himself for not trying hard enough. The only thing motivating him to get out of bed in the morning was seeing the smiles on those little kids' faces. Without that job, nothing was holding back the depression from taking over his life. Now, he can barely stand to leave the flat and is not mentally stable to find a new job.

"Lou," Harry gently wraps his arm around the fragile boy. "You know there's nothing more you could've done. Stop blaming yourself for things you have no control over. You're going to drive yourself crazy."

* * * * * * 

It's been two hours since Liam left the flat and the time is half past midnight. Harry is back in his room, still quite a bit angry and confused. Niall probably feels the same way, because Harry can hear the faint sounds of the television playing in the living-area. Niall only stays up this late to watch television when something is bothering him and he isn't able to fall asleep.   
After another long hour passes by, Harry finally hears Niall's footsteps quietly walking down the hall to his own bedroom.

"Niall." Harry calls, loud enough to catch his attention. He had to talk to him about this or it would keep weighing down on the both of them. Seconds later the door-knob jiggles a few times before a shadowy figure stands in the doorway.

"What? Are you alright?" He asks while holding back a yawn. Harry nods.

"M'fine. I was just thinking about earlier..." He trails off before continuing, "I really dont want you hanging around with Liam anymore. He's not a good influence. " Harry meets Niall's gaze, waiting for a response. It honestly does bother him how close Niall and Liam are getting. Harry doesn't want Liam anywhere near the things he cares about, one of them already got taken away.

Harry scowls as Niall suddenly starts laughing. "You can't be serious." He states while staring at Harry, realizing that his best friend is dead serious.

"Oh my god, Harry. I work with the guy. What do you want me to do, find another job?" Niall sarcasticly questions, feeling completely pissed off.

"Well, now that you mention it-"

Niall scoffs. "You know what? I can hangout with whoever the hell I want! I know you like to hold grudges against people, but that's not what I'm about."

"Of course I'm going to hold a grudge against him after what he did! Niall, I'm serious." Harry replies. Niall crosses his arms over his chest, now wide awake.

"So am I. It seems like you've forgotten that I'm the one who's older than you and I have a life too! I sacrifice all of my free-time to you and this flat. Practically every day from morning to night I'm working my ass off to keep this place for you, while you sit here and do absolutely nothing! If I want to spend the little time off I get with the one friend I have, I'm going to. If you don't like it well, I'll just find my own place to stay. Then maybe you'll see how easy it is to work 6 days a week." Niall angrily rants. He knows he's being quite harsh, but he doesn't know how else to get through to Harry. He has his own life too.   
Niall does understand why the younger lad feels the way he does. Liam made some big mistakes and did some things he shouldn't have done. But that doesn't mean Niall is going to let Harry call all the shots in his life. He's not just going to cut off all communication with Liam. It doesn't work like that.

"I get it." Harry answers flatly while rolling his eyes. Niall knew that he didn't get it, which just made everything worse. Once again, Harry only wanted to see his side of the situation and nothing else.

"Whatever, I'm doing what I want." Niall remarks and closes the door to Harry's room. As he starts getting himself ready for bed, he can't help but feel guilty. The two rarely get into fights, but this is something Niall would push. Harry already let the past take control of his present, and Niall refuses to let that happen to his life too.


	5. Chapter 5

Harry slowly opens his eyes, squinting in the darkness of the room. The sudden loss of body heat and the messy covers next to him signal that Louis has gotten out of bed. He gently rolls over on his side, still half asleep and glances at the clock on their bedside table. It's almost 3 in the morning.  
After mumbling a few incomprehensible words, Harry once again closes his eyes figuring that Louis will return from the bathroom soon.

The couple decided not to go out and had a lazy evening around the flat instead. Harry cooked a nice meal and Louis picked out a movie to watch. He still felt guilty that Harry took the rest of the day off from work and it was starting to worry Harry how quiet Lou was. Nonetheless, he reassured the boy that he was 'fine' about twenty times... He wasn't.

Harry sleepily sits up in bed and wipes the sleep out of his eyes. A matter of minutes have passed and the space next to him is still empty. He starts to think Louis left to go for a drive, he does that sometimes. That is, until Harry hears the almost inaudible cries coming from the other side of the bathroom door.

"Louis." Harry breathes, his pulse quickening as he jumps out of bed and stumbles to the bathroom connected to their room.

"Louis, Are you okay? Open the door." Fear builds up inside of him as he tries to twist the locked door knob that won't open. Countless flashbacks race through his mind of the numerous times Louis has locked himself in there.

"Love, please open the door." Harry pleads, only getting muffled sobs in return. He continues to knock on the door, not knowing how else to snap Louis out of whatever has overcome him. This hasn't happened in a very long time.

"If you don't open the door, I'm coming in." He warns. Part of him can't help but imagine Louis sitting there with a blade in his hand, yet the other half knows Louis is stronger than that. Still not getting an answer, Harry shakily grabs the spare key he has placed on the doorframe for times like these. When he pushes the door open, his heart drops.

"Lou." He whispers, taking in the sight of the broken boy. Louis sat with his knees brought up to his chest, his face stained a deep red color from crying. Harry's eyes then wander to the lonely blade sitting next to him on floor.

"I-I'm sorry, I-I-" He cries, while rapidly trying to catch his breath at the same time.

"Shh." Harry silences him and instantly takes a place next to him on the floor, before sliding the blade away from them. He softly wraps his arms around Louis, engulfing him into a hug.   
"It's okay, love. Deep breaths."

They sit on the cold tiles for what seems like hours, but in reality has only been a matter of minutes. Harry can feel Louis' breathing evening out, but silent tears are still streaming down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry." Louis apologizes again. He breaks away from Harry's warm embrace and stares at his hands.

"Don't be sorry." Harry replies. He hesitantly stares at Louis' wrists covered by his sweatshirt and quietly asks, "You didn't do anything... Did you?" Louis shakes his head, no, and wipes his eyes.

"Promise?" Harry looks him in the eye, knowing he won't be able to meet his gaze if he's lying.

"I promise, Harry. I didn't do anything." Not this time, anyways. Louis tiredly answers while looking directly at him. He can tell that Harry still isn't fully convinced. With an eye-roll, he rolls up his sleeves and holds out his arms.

"See?" He deadpans and Harry slowly relaxes a bit. A faint smile spreads across Harry's lips as he traces his fingers along all of the old scars littering the boy's arms... None were new.

"I'm proud of you. I know this is hard." Louis' stomach twists as Harry softly kisses the top of his head. "But we'll get through this together." Yes, he stayed strong this time. But that's only because Harry barged in seconds before he could get his hands on that blade.

What Harry doesn't know is that Louis has fallen into a full blown relapse. He has been clean for the past two years and Harry thinks that is still the case. He's wrong.

Louis fell back into the habit around a month ago. It's more addicting than he ever remembered, but he truly doesn't care. He knows he deserves the pain and it's the one thing he has left in his life that he can control. The only thing he cares about at this point is keeping Harry happy. To do that, it means hiding his feelings.

It's only a matter of time before Harry finds out that Louis is self-harming again. Once he sees the variety of new wounds littering his legs, he'll know just how much his boyfriend is struggling. And then he'll realize that Louis' thoughts are destroying him more than those blades ever could. 

* * * * * * 

"Hey," Niall catches Liam's attention right before he gets a chance to walk out of the door. They both have just finished up another long day at the diner and are the only two left to leave. Niall hasn't spoken to Liam in a few days. Ever since he came over the flat, he's been rushing out of work and hasn't said a word to anyone. "Do you have a minute?"

Liam turns around and nods. "Yeah, I guess so. What's up?"

"I just wanted to apologize for the other night. Things definitely got out of hand. Harry didn't mean to treat you like that." Niall replies while slipping on his jacket and picking up his car keys from behind the counter.

"Nah, it's fine. I shouldn't have said what I did." Liam states, "I did some heartless things back then. Harry has every right to be mad at me, he's just standing up for his friend." Niall stays silent for a moment, thinking. Then, something occurs to him.

"You don't know what happened to Louis... Do you?" Liam furrows his brow, not understanding what Niall meant. He figured Louis and Harry stopped talking after high school and that was the end.

"What do you mean?" He wonders aloud. Niall runs a hand through his short blonde hair, mentally debating whether he wants to talk about this with Liam or not. Trust isn't the issue, he feels he can trust Liam. Niall's worried about how he would take the news. Would guilt consume him to the point where he becomes just as bad as Harry? Then again, he is a strong guy and should be able to handle it...

"Uhm," Niall chooses his words carefully, "If you really want to know, I suggest you take a seat." He motions to one of the stools sitting in front of the counter. Liam studies Niall hesitantly in the seconds that follow. Part of the stressed-out boy regrets stopping him from walking out of the door. Why did he even bring it up? Nerves begin to bubble up inside of him, not knowing how he would tell Liam such a thing. Even though it's been a year, the heavy topic is still difficult for him to discuss. It always will be. As Liam took a seat at that counter, the sinking feeling in Niall's stomach grew heavier. This is it. 

He's telling Liam.


	6. Chapter 6

Louis wakes up and opens his eyes to find Harry watching him intently. A slight smile is spread across his lips and his curly hair is in a mess of tangles upon his head.

"What?" Louis asks, his voice raspy from the lack of sleep and from crying most of the night.

"Nothing," Harry replies. "You're cute when you're asleep." A small blush forms on Louis' cheeks. He knows Harry likes to watch him sleep, he always waits until Louis falls asleep before going to bed himself. Even when Louis can't fall asleep until well past midnight, Harry is somehow always staying awake with him. He wonders how tired Harry must be, constantly looking out for the boy every night. But Harry wouldn't change it for the world.

The sound of Harry's phone vibrating against the wooden bedside table fills the room. With a sigh, he sits up and looks to see who it is.

"Mum's calling again," He announces while silencing the call. "I told her we'd come visit soon."

Louis also sits up and stifles a yawn. "We could go today, if you want." He offers. Harry has been so busy with work and paying attention to Louis that he hasn't seen his mum since before Louis lost his job, over two months ago.

"That would be lovely. But are you sure you're up for that?" Harry wonders, not wanting to make him any more anxious than he already is.

Louis smiles, "Yeah, I think that'd be nice."

* * * * * *

"Wow." Liam states out of pure shock. Niall has just finished explaining Harry's situation and Louis' death. There were still many details Niall didn't even know, like how Louis killed himself or exactly why he did it. Harry was the only one who saw him that day and refuses to talk about it since. Apparently a letter was left behind for him, but Harry refuses to read that also.

"I'm so sorry, Niall. I can't believe I didn't know." Liam shakes his head, still not believing what he heard. "God, I'm such an idiot. What if it's my fault he killed himself? I bullied him for 6 months and I didn't even know. I wish I could change everything I did back then." He rambles.

"Liam, it's not your fault." Niall insists, "He was bullied for years before you. I don't think those 6 months made a difference."

A comfortable silence rests between the two, both deep in thought. It's now well past midnight and both boys have stayed up talking for almost three hours.

"Do you think he'll ever forgive me?" Liam asks quietly. He stares at the cup of coffee Niall poured him about an hour ago, which is now room-temperature.

"I don't know, mate. Harry can be pretty stubborn with his feelings, especially when it comes to Louis. But it doesn't hurt to try-" The soft chimes of Niall's cell phone ringing interrupts him. He quickly pulls it out of his pocket, wondering who would be calling him at this time of night. He furrows his brow, reading the bold letters across the screen.

[Incoming call: Harry]

Harry? Why is he calling? He never picks up a phone, unless he absolutely has to. Niall figures it's probably because one of the last times he talked to Louis was using his cell phone...

With little hesitation, he slides his finger across the screen and answers the call.

"Hello?" Niall speaks, not knowing what to expect from Harry on the other line.

"Niall? S'that you?" He slurs, before laughing and saying things that Niall could barely understand. Niall rolls his eyes at the younger boy who is clearly drunk out of his mind.

"I'll be there in a few minutes, alright?" He firmly states after a few minutes, "Don't do anything stupid, Harry."

He ends the call immediately, knowing he has to get home right away. From the way Harry sounded, he's most likely been drinking the whole day. Niall could practically smell the alcohol in his breath through the phone.

"What's up?" Liam questions, glancing at Niall's frustrated appearance.

"Harry's beyond smashed. I've gotta head home." He sighs.

"Do you want me to go with you?" Liam offers, wanting to try to apologize to Harry once again. Niall thinks it wouldn't be the smartest thing to do. Especially since Harry hates Liam with every fiber in his body. Then again, Harry is unpredictable when he's like this. Niall never knows if he's going to start crying, yelling, throwing things, or staying completely silent. He doesn't like being near Harry when he's this drunk, but he has no choice.

"I guess... But be ready to leave when he starts flipping you off." Niall finally concludes. He also needs to prove to Harry that he's able to hang out with whoever he wants, even when Harry despises them.

Liam lightly chuckles, "I'm in."

\- 

Niall shoots Liam a nervous glance as he begins to unlock the door. He slowly takes a step inside of the flat, nearly jumping out of his skin as harry happily shouts,

"Hey Niall! Where've you been?" Liam is just meters behind, barely out of sight from the drunken boy. Harry is sitting at the kitchen table, a bottle of whiskey currently in his hand. Niall almost regrets bringing Liam along as Harry seems to be in a somewhat peaceful state, which isn't going to last much longer.

"Why weren't-" Harry begins to say something, but stops mid-sentence as Liam steps into view. His features turn to ice when their eyes meet, his thoughts racing a mile-a-minute. "I told you I didn't want him here, Niall." He hisses. Liam watches, slightly feeling bad that Niall has to deal with this. Harry rolls his eyes and raises the almost empty bottle to his lips.

"I think that's enough, Harry." Niall firmly states, while getting a bit closer to take the drink away from him. He doesn't have any patience for this tonight. Seconds later, a crash rings throughout the room, the bottle laying between the two in hundreds of shattered pieces.

"Fuck off." Harry yells, "Now look what you did! Would you just leave me alone for once?" Niall tries to pretend that the comment doesn't hurt him. He starts to pick up the shards of glass scattered among the floor, while Harry saunters back off to his room. Niall knows Harry didn't mean what he said, he can't possibly think straight after what he consumed. But that doesn't mean that the harsh comment didn't hurt. It did.

Out of the corner of his eye, Niall notices Liam slowly walking towards Harry's room. He's been completely silent this whole time and for a moment Niall almost forgot he was there.

"I wouldn't do that, if I were you." Niall warns, knowing Harry is going to blowup even more if anyone tries to make further conversation with him.

Liam shakes his head, "It's not like he's going to remember anything I say tomorrow morning." That is true.

He continues to open Harry's door, which surprising isn't locked. He closes it behind him and faces Harry who is bitterly glaring at him from across the room.

"Look," Liam quickly starts, before Harry can kick him out. "I know you absolutely hate me, as you rightfully should. But would you at least hear me out for a minute?"

"Why should I?" He replies, crossing his arms over his chest. He isn't making any sense, but Liam decides to keep talking anyways,

"I know what I did to Louis was wrong. I know I was an ass back then, Harry. I really have changed and you, out of all people, should understand that people do change. I didn't want to live my life bullying people and making everyone around me miserable. I'm sorry for any pain that I may have caused you and I want you to know that you now have another person on your side. Niall and I want to see you happy again." Liam rambles on, while Harry stays quiet. "Forgiving me won't erase everything I did in the past, but it can enlarge the future. The only person holding you back, is yourself."


	7. Chapter 7

"We're here!" Harry shouts as he opens the front door to his old home, Louis trailing quietly behind.

"Mum?" Harry states loudly, getting nothing but silence in response. He glances over to Louis who shrugs his shoulders. The two hang up their coats and take off their shoes by the door, before wandering into the kitchen to find Anne cooking. She instantly turns around after hearing the light footsteps enter the kitchen.

"Harry, Louis!" She beams, moving closer to give both of them a hug."I didn't even hear you come in!" Obviously.

Harry laughs, "I've missed you." He says, wrapping his arms around her in a tight hug.

"I've missed you too. You're staying awfully busy these days, huh?" She replies, before turning her attention to Louis. "Lou, darling, how have you been?"

Louis smiles and gives a small laugh, "M' still here, aren't I?" Harry knows Louis is just trying to joke, but the comment doesn't roll off his shoulders easily. He didn't actually mean that, did he? Harry can never completely tell what's going through that head of his. Anne notices Harry's sudden shift in mood and shares a quick, questioning glance with her son. Harry just nods his head slightly in return, letting her know things are fine.

Anne does know a small bit about Louis' history. There would be many nights when Harry couldn't sleep or would be sitting up crying. His thoughts would be racing with things he could try to do to help Louis, but he felt absolutely useless. He would end up calling his mum and having long chats about it with her. She knew about Louis' self-harm, depression, and history of being bullied.

Harry hasn't informed her of how Louis lost his job and how severely depressed he's been over the past couple of months. He hopes that it won't get to the extent it was last time and hopes Louis will never find comfort in cutting again... If they only knew...

"Why don't you boys take a seat, dinner should be done shortly. I'm sure you had a long drive." Anne says, snapping Harry out of his thoughts. The pair take a seat at the table side by side and silence drifts through the air between them. That is, until the sound of the front door opening and footsteps walking towards the kitchen fill the room.

"Mum, who's here-" Harry begins to ask, until Gemma comes into view.

"Hi Harry! Hi Louis." She happily greets, before taking her jacket off and sits down with them. "How've you guys been?"

Louis just gives a smile and let's Harry do the talking. He has always loved Harry's family, but he's never been one to talk much in front of people he doesn't see often.

"We're alright, Gems." Harry replies, giving Louis a soft nudge with his knee under the table. "What are you doing here?"

"I heard you were coming over and I wanted to see you two." She smiles widely.

Harry's glad to be back home.

* * * * * * *

Harry hesitantly sits up in bed and instantly puts a hand to his pounding head. He mumbles a few things under his breath as he searches for the bottle of pain killers resting closely beside him. With a heavy sigh, he downs the pills with the small amount of water that's left in one of the many plastic water bottles scattered around his room.

Harry regrets drinking the excessive amount that he did, just like always. Guilt easily consumes him as he reminisces on what he can and can't remember.

He doesn't remember nearly anything he did up until the time Niall got back home from work. Harry can vaguely recall Niall speaking with him and Liam also being there...

Liam. He has no idea what happened or why Liam decided to show up. Everything in his head is a mess of random images and jumbled words. But two lines remain crystal-clear in his memory.

'I know what I did to Louis was wrong.'

'Forgiving me won't change what I did in the past, but it can enlarge the future.'

What the hell was all that supposed to mean? Was Liam trying to get Harry to forgive him? Was it some kind of trap? A practical joke?

Harry doesn't know if he could ever trust Liam. Who knows what he could be planning and Harry isn't about to let his guard down. Snapping Harry out of his daydreams, he hears a light tap from the other side of the door.

"What do you want, Niall?" He groans, his head still throbbing in pain. Niall softly opens the door and looks at Harry before shaking his head. Harry recognized that look any day, disappointment.

"Just headin' to the diner for my shift." He replies casually, "How're you feeling? You drank an awful lot yesterday..."

"M'fine." Harry instantly replies. He's woken up with a hangover so many times that the pain from his headache just blends right in with all of his other emotions. Niall shifts his gaze around the room for a few seconds before emitting a small sigh.

"Harry, have you thought of going back to work yet?" He asks timidly. Niall knows that if he doesn't keep reminding Harry about it, he won't do it.

"No."

"Alright, but you have to consider it soon. I already told you that I'm not making enough money-"

"I know, okay? I get it." Harry forcefully cuts him off, his temper rising. "You don't have to constantly remind me of things all the damn time! I live here, I know what I need to do." He watches as Niall's face falls at his stern words, making Harry's stomach twist. More disappointment, he thought. He's tired of constantly letting Niall down...He doesn't mean to.

"I'm sorry." Harry speaks again, his tone much softer and more vulnerable. Niall just nods, as if saying it's okay, and goes to close the door. Harry rolls his eyes at the older boy, before mumbling, "Fine. I'll fucking get a job if that's what you really want."

He simply just wanted to see a smile on his friend's face again. Harry had no idea that one statement could make his life even more of a living hell.


	8. Chapter 8

Harry smiles as he sits quietly on the bed in his old room, memories flooding through his mind of when he was younger. After having an amazing home-cooked meal by Anne and catching up with Gemma for the past few hours, Harry and Louis decided it would be best if they stayed the night. Neither felt like driving back home in the dark and they were pretty tired as it is. Since Robin is out of town for a business trip, Gemma decided to stay the night as well to keep Anne company.

"That was nice." Louis comments while striding into the room and stifling a small yawn. It's not the first time they've stayed overnight, he knows Harry's old house as if it were his own.

"Yeah, I'm glad we came." Harry nods in agreement before adding, "You look tired, Lou."

"I am."

"Are you sure everything is alright?" Harry feels the need to ask when a brief silence drifts through the air. He feels bad for asking Louis all of the time, but he just wants to make sure. "You were awful quiet tonight..."

Louis rolls his eyes and replies with a bit of an attitude, "I'm fine, Harry. You know I'm not one to talk a lot."

"But you were never like that before." Harry points out, making Louis more aggravated. He knows Harry is just worried, but sometimes he can be very annoying. Louis is just trying to protect Harry from the chaos that goes on inside of his head, he doesn't want to intentionally lie to his boyfriend all of the time.

"I'm gonna go take a shower." Louis announces into the room filled thick with tension, hoping that the burning hot water would ease some of his worries.

Once in the bathroom, Louis makes sure to take his time. Oddly enough, the shower is one of the few places where he feels comfortable. Always having to worry about hiding his feelings and scars from Harry is emotionally draining. Louis knows that Harry is going to start becoming skeptical about his actions and excuses as to why he doesn't want to do anything intimate with Harry. It's been a matter of months now and there's only so many things he can say. But for now, nobody is here to judge him...   
At least, that's what Louis thought until just moments later.

As Louis steps out of the shower, hair still dripping wet, his heart drops to his stomach when he hears the opening of the door. He automatically curses to himself for not locking it and wants to yell at the person to get out, but not a sound escapes his lips.

"O-oh my god, Louis! S-sorry, sorry!" Gemma stutters, briefly matching Louis' startled gaze of shock and embarrassment, before quickly closing the door.

Louis instantly closes his eyes and lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding. Even though it happened so fast, it doesn't stop the countless number of questions from flooding his mind.   
Why didn't he just lock the door in the first place?   
Why didn't Gemma knock?  
Why does he have to make a fool out of himself all of the time?

Louis continues to shake his head at his own stupidity while he puts on his clothes as fast as he possibly can, wanting nothing more than to go to bed. But one thought proceeds to nag him as he glances down at the wounds coating the sides of his hips and legs. What if Gemma saw?   
Louis can feel his stomach twisting. Even though she masked her shocked expression rather quickly, he knows that she saw. It would have been near impossible for her not to have noticed all of the slightly raised scratches that Louis completely despises. They are horrendous in his eyes and most of the time he can't bring himself to look at them without wanting to breakdown or add to the collection. Yet somehow they make sense to him, they show what he's feeling on the inside, on the outside.

"Damn it." Louis runs a hand through his wet hair in panic, what the hell is he going to do now? Gemma is probably already in Harry's room, telling him what she saw. There's no way he's going to let her tell Harry. He can't handle seeing Harry disappointed and worrying about everything he does. Word would also get around to Anne and then his own mum that he's not doing well, which would upset everyone.   
Louis has to talk to her before it's too late.

* * * * * *

The next morning, Niall is pleasantly surprised to find Harry actually looking for a job. He didn't think Harry would listen to anything that he's been saying for the past week, but Niall is glad. It's about time that he takes some kind of responsibility.

"Which ones are you looking at?" Niall wonders aloud, taking a look at the laptop sitting on Harry's lap. He shrugs.

"I don't know. None of these places would hire me since I haven't been to uni." Harry sighs while shutting the lid. Niall nods, his gaze drifting around the room, before landing on a new-found idea.

"What about going back to the place down the road?" Niall offers, as he takes a few steps towards Harry's old journal that's buried beneath the mess on his nightstand. The attitude in the room changes drastically when Niall takes hold of the book, the leather cover coming into view. Harry stays silent, now swallowing the growing lump in his throat.

"I mean," The older lad continues, "You don't have to. But we all know that writing and publishing is something that you're amazing at. They hired you there because you're special and they saw potential in you. I bet you could get that job back."

"You know I can't do that, Niall." Harry replies in a small voice of defeat. He doesn't want to go back there. He doesn't want to be reminded of why he had to quit in the first place.

"Please, just consider it. For once, don't think about him while making a decision. You need to do this for you, Harry." Niall states, putting the journal next to Harry. "I think Zayn is still working there, too. I'm sure if you went to talk to him he could set you up with an interview." Harry rolls his eyes while Niall closes the door.

A frown casts over his lips as he holds the old journal in his hands...so many memories. He lightly traces his finger over the now slightly fading drawings on the front. Niall does have a point and Harry misses writing dearly, but he's not sure if he could bring himself to write or even step foot into that building again. Harry weighs the pros and cons in his head for the remainder of the day.

He surprises himself when he comes to the conclusion that maybe he should go back, at least talk to Zayn. Harry wonders what Zayn has been up to for the past year, he hates to admit that he misses working beside him almost every day.

Little did Harry know, Zayn had been keeping himself more than busy and the two could now relate to each other in more ways than one.


	9. Chapter 9

"Louis!"

Gemma whisper-shouts to him as he stands in the hallway, stopping Louis from going into Harry's room. His eyes widen and is about to open his mouth to reply, but Gemma beats him to it. "I know what happened was embarrassing, but we need to talk." She seriously states, now standing right next to him. His heart is hammering steadily in his chest and he's pretty sure she can hear it too.

"I know." He sighs, "I know what you saw and I know that you're worried. But you can't tell Harry." Louis whispers. It's getting late and neither of them want to wake anyone up if they're asleep. And Louis certainly doesn't need Harry hearing any of this.

Gemma crosses her arms, "And why not? Harry has a right to know, he's your boyfriend! Do you know how upset he's going to be when he finds out that you've been hiding this from him?"

"I'm just trying to save him the stress, Gem."

"Louis, he loves you so much. He wants to help you in any way that he can." Her tone slightly softens, "Why did you start harming yourself again? I thought you were doing better."

Louis rolls his eyes and huffs, simply because he doesn't even know the answer himself. "I'm doing fine."

"Yeah, because cutting yourself and lying to your boyfriend is 'fine'." Gemma sarcastically deadpans. Louis feels his stomach drop at the comment, easily recognizing the familiar feeling of guilt. "Look, I know you're hurting right now. But if you aren't going to tell him, I will. It's just going to help you in the end. You don't have to go through this alone."

"I'm not telling him anything and neither are you." Louis bitterly announces, cringing when he realizes how loud the two of them have gotten.

"What's going on?" Louis nearly jumps five feet into the air when he hears Harry's door come flying open and sees Harry's worried appearance. He instinctively lets out a slight nervous chuckle and quickly answers,

"Nothing, just having a chat with your sister." Louis shoots her a look, silently begging her not to give away his secrets. Gemma uncrosses her arms, not looking at Louis once.

"Yeah, you've really got a keeper here Harry. I've missed this one." She smiles while pointing to Louis. Harry furrows his brow, not fully convinced.

"You're sure everything's alright?" He asks once again, directing the question more towards Louis.

"Harry, for the twentieth time tonight, I'm fine." Louis answers with a bit of edge, pushing past Gemma to go into Harry's room. As his confused and somewhat worried boyfriend follows, Louis makes a mental note to thank Gemma tomorrow.

He's not sure if Harry believes him, but at least things are okay for now. And that seems to be all that matters to Louis. 

* * * * * *

"Alright, mate. I think you've had enough for tonight." Liam chuckles as Niall brings his glass down onto the table with a light thud. "I don't think I've ever seen you drunk before." Niall and Liam decided to go out to the pub that's only a short drive away from both of their homes. For the past hour, the two have been chatting about everyday things. Niall really did appreciate having Liam to pal around with. He wasn't sure what was going on in his head, but he decided to have a few drinks- something he rarely does since Louis passed. Niall knows that there has to be one responsible adult living in the flat and that means that he can't be getting drunk when it's his priority to look after Harry.   
But, tonight is an exception.

From the other side of the bar, Niall catches Liam looking in the direction of a group of girls who just walked in. "So Liam," Niall slurs, "You have anyone special?" Liam's face turns a soft shade of pink as he blushes. He focuses his gaze back on the blonde-haired boy sitting across from him and shakes his head.

"No, not at the moment. I've been single for a while now, actually." He casually replies. Niall scoffs.

"C'mon, there has to be someone."

"Well," Liam smiles, "I guess there is someone I have my eye on. But, I don't think we will be getting together anytime soon. What about you? I'm surprised you don't have a girlfriend."

"Nah, I don't have the time for a relationship right now." Niall states as the waitress brings the two their bill for the night. Liam insists on paying and succeeds easily, due to Niall's overly drunken attitude.

"You're not driving home like that." Liam tells his friend sternly while digging his car keys out of his pocket. They proceed to walk out of the pub and into the almost empty parking lot.

"I'm fine, Liam." Niall insists, stumbling over his own two feet and nearly falling in the process. Liam grabs his arm while shooting him a glare,

"You're obviously not. I'm bringing you home." 

-

Once Liam has finally gotten Niall to the safety of the flat, he can't believe how tipsy he is. With every step, Niall is grabbing onto Liam for balance. He won't be out drinking again for a very long time. With a sigh, Liam brings Niall over to the couch and helps him get somewhat comfortable, but it's only a matter of minutes before he's sound asleep.

"What are you doing here?" Liam quickly turns his head, meeting Harry's stare from across the room.

He shrugs, "Niall had too much to drink, it wasn't safe for him to drive." Harry doesn't say anything and only looks between Niall and Liam with an unreadable expression. The stillness in the air becomes something that Liam doesn't know how to fill. He starts fiddling around with his car keys in the pocket of his jeans before slowly walking towards the door. There's no reason for him to stay. "I'm heading home." He announces loud enough for the younger boy to hear without waking Niall up.

"Wait," Harry suddenly protests, even surprising himself. Part of him still hates Liam passionately, but the words he spoke a couple of nights ago keep echoing through his mind. Maybe Liam does care, or maybe he should at least give him a chance since Niall seems to really enjoy his company.

"What?" Liam wonders skeptically.

"Would you want to stay for a few minutes?" Harry can't believe he's doing this, what is he thinking? He never socializes with people, never mind people like Liam.

To both of their surprise, Liam nods. "Why?" He asks as they quietly walk into the kitchen and take a seat.

"I'm sorry." Harry blurts, not caring how pathetic he seems at this point. The guilt of constantly disappointing Niall and Louis is becoming too much for him to handle. He knows that Louis would never want him to be this way. Harry can't stand the feeling of disappointing yet another person that will probably be around a lot more often. As much as he wants to, he knows it will just make him feel worse if he keeps trying to ignore Liam.

"For what? You don't have anything to be sorry for." Liam sincerely replies. Harry shakes his head.

"I've been a complete jerk to you." He answers sadly.

"That's understandable after what you went through...." Liam pauses, he can tell Harry is upset and it's not just Louis this time. "Is something bothering you mate?"

Silence.

For the past year, Harry has never talked about his feelings with anyone, besides Niall occasionally. He doesn't know if he should get up and lock himself into his room again, or continue to talk with the boy who's almost a stranger sitting in front of him.

"I'm just," He takes a small breath of air as if it will calm the rapid beat of his heart, "I'm tired of always disappointing everyone. Especially Niall." Liam lowers his head, frowning as Harry's eyes start to water. He knows this is a big step for him. Harry isn't used to telling people how he feels.

"You're not disappointing anyone, Harry. Even though he may not show it, Niall is so proud of you for getting through this. Don't you know that? He's so so grateful that you're still fighting and you're not giving up on yourself. This isn't easy for him either, but I promise, you're not a disappointment to him or anyone else. Alright?" Liam feels his stomach clench as he compassionately takes ahold of one of Harry's hands and looks into his despairing green eyes. He imagines them once being filled with such joy, happiness, and love instead of watery tears of gloom. He doesn't deserve any of this pain.

Harry and Liam continue to talk into the early hours of the morning. Harry isn't sure why he decided to listen and tell Liam about his feelings, maybe it's because he's learning to trust him again. But it's not easy for Harry. He knows that trust is like a piece of paper and once it's crumbled, it will never be the same again.


	10. Chapter 10

Relaxing.

It was one word to describe Harry and Louis' car ride back from Anne's house. With the windows down and the radio on, Harry was worried that Louis would be disappointed the whole way home since tomorrow is Monday and that means Harry has to return to work. Surprisingly, that wasn't the case.  
When one of Harry's favorite songs came onto the radio, he was singing all of the lyrics that he knew by heart. Louis eventually chimed in with a quiet hum and a laugh when Harry kept making funny faces. Harry swore the world almost stopped moving when Louis smiled, a real smile, something he hasn't seen in months. That adorable little grin where Louis flashed his teeth and crinkled his eyes is one thing in his life that he's missed seeing. He's forgotten how much he loves this side of his boyfriend, happy, giggly, carefree. He's not sure what got into Louis today, but it's definitely progress. 

Now, As Harry opens the door to the flat, he's beaming from ear to ear. All that's going through his mind right now is Louis, Louis, Louis with his beautiful laugh on repeat. He watches intently as Louis walks into the flat behind him, closing the door. He tries to step into the kitchen, but Harry stops him by putting a hand on his chest, cornering him against the wall. Before Louis can proceed to ask what his boyfriend is doing, Harry presses a soft kiss to his lips. Louis melts against Harry's gentle touch and briefly breaks away,

"Won't even let me walk through the door, will you?" He mocks, wrapping his arms around Harry's neck to bring him closer. The faint scent of fresh cotton and cigarettes fills Harry's senses as they kiss, a smell that he's come to love and loathe. He really doesn't like the fact that Louis is still smoking. Apparently, he cut-down on them a while back and rarely lights one up, but Harry knows that's a lie. He can still clearly smell the scent of the poisonous chemicals lingering on his clothes. He hates that Louis is damaging his lungs by smoking practically one pack a day, and it scares him even more to think that it's possibly what he's trying to do. More damage.  
The two continue in a heated make out, both getting more flustered by the second. A sudden thought pops into Louis' head, instantly reminding him why he hasn't done this with Harry in so long. He knows where this will lead...

"What's wrong?" Harry breathes, noticing his change in mood. Louis' heart beat accelerates in his chest and it's not just because Harry continues to delicately kiss down his neck.

"Nothing." He squeaks, this isn't good, Harry can't find out.  
Louis tries to push his overwhelming fear into the back of his mind for the next few minutes, but fails miserably when Harry's arms move to his hips. It doesn't take long before he's reaching for the bottom of Louis' shirt. He instinctively swats his boyfriend's hands away, the guilty feeling never going unnoticed. Harry backs away and looks at Louis with worry in his eyes.

"Okay, seriously, what's wrong?" He states, concern lacing his voice. "Something's wrong, love. I know there's something going on. You need to tell me." Louis doesn't say anything. He's too busy trying to get his thoughts under control to come up with an excuse. Harry puts his arms around Louis' waist once again and slowly takes the hem of Louis' shirt into his hands. Any feeling of happiness that previously coursed through his veins vanishes when Harry notices Louis tensing beneath his touch, wincing almost. "Am I hurting you?" He immediately asks, shame evident in his voice.

"No." Louis assures, still attempting to pry his hands away.

"Why can't I touch you here? Did someone hurt you?" Harry presses with hurt clear on his face, earning another shake of the head- no. He looks into those breath-taking blue eyes, searching for the answer that remains carved into Louis' skin. After a moment of silence, he nearly whispers,

"Are you cutting yourself again?"

* * * * * *

Pacing back and forth with a single idea nagging his every motion, Harry finds himself standing outside of the door he swore he would never open again. He stands in the hallway staring at the key in his right hand, wondering if it looks the same inside. With one final deep breath, he takes a step forward and puts the key into the lock. He knows this will only hurt him more and will probably make everything worse, but he doesn't care. Niall isn't home and it's the perfect time to do this. His breath hitches in his throat as the door opens, the sun casting a light glow into the room. Their room.

Everything looks the same as the day he shut the door and turned the light off for the final time. The bed is made, the dressers and closet are filled with clothes. His clothes. There's a few pictures of them sitting on the bedside table, making Harry cringe. He also spots Louis' guitar and piano sitting against the opposite wall of the room, a prominent layer of dust on both.  
And finally, the one remnant of Louis that remains closest to Harry is still sitting where it was left. The letter, placed on Harry's side of the bed, with his name sprawled across the envelope in big curly letters. Harry hasn't been in this room since Louis was still here, images of his lifeless body never failing to leave his mind. Those are the most current memories he will ever have of the boy who is simply a figment of his past.

Harry feels his eyes watering and doesn't bother holding back the single tear that falls down his cheek as he walks over to the bed and sits down. His hands start to shake, completely overwhelmed, as he picks up the letter, holding it in his lap. No, he's not opening it today. He's convinced himself that there will be a time when he's ready and today is definitely not that day.

Memories hit him like a freight train, the impact cold and traumatic. He buries his head into Louis' old pillow, crying even harder when he can barely make out that familiar scent of cotton and cigarettes that he misses so much. He yearns to see his boyfriend again, more than anything in the world. Harry wants to spend the rest of his life convincing Louis how perfect and worthy he is. He wants to marvel at the sight of his wide smile and adorable laugh. He wants to be able to wrap his arms around the smaller boy and feel his touch. He wants Louis to be the first thing he sees in the morning when he wakes up and be the last person he says goodnight to before he falls asleep. He wants to be able to burry his face into his neck, to kiss him with all of the love he possibly can to show how much this boy means to him. He wants to get married and raise a family and just feel the softness of Louis' skin against his own. He doesn't want it, he needs Louis to be here with him so he can spend his whole life proving why he deserves to be alive.  
But the harsh reality is that Louis isn't here and Louis isn't coming back. Laying alone, surrounded by Louis' past belongings, will be as close as Harry will ever be to him again.

Tears are blinding his vision at this point while he tries to close his eyes, letting every emotion he's been holding in for the last year escape. Harry apologizes to Louis for not trying hard enough, for not noticing the warning signs earlier, and for everything he has ever messed up in their relationship, along with every single day he has wasted sitting here mourning over his death.

"I'm sorry, Louis." Harry whispers through his tears into the empty air surrounding him. "I'm so so sorry."

He's not sure how long he spent crying in their old room that day. It was long enough for him to finally pass out, the stress and pounding of his head becoming too much for his frail body to handle. But before he was met with the blackness that finally calmed his racing mind and aching heart, the poison in his thoughts were beginning to make him wonder if death was the answer to this never ending battle from within...


	11. Chapter 11

"Are you cutting yourself again?"

Louis goes pale at the mention of the bitter truth. It almost seemed like it was all in his own little world until he heard the accusation thrown into the air, the whiplash of reality finally hitting him. Harry's green eyes pierce through his own and Louis quickly diverts his gaze to the floor. The sound of his pulse violently beating fills his senses.

He's not sure if he could get away with telling a lie to Harry and saying that he hasn't harmed himself. The guilt is already weighing him down, but he fears the guilt of telling Harry the truth will be even greater. His thoughts are running a mile a minute and the conflicted boy is having a hard time processing what to do. Before he can control himself, he feels his bottom lip give out and start to quiver. Warm tears cascade down his cheeks as he gives Harry a subtle nod, too ashamed to look him in the eyes. Leaving his boyfriend concerned and slightly heart broken, Louis pushes past him and tries to make his way towards their room.

"Louis." Harry finally manages to call, still in a state of shock. He follows Louis to the bedroom as fast as his legs allow and feels his stomach pang with emotion at the sight of Louis curled up on the edge of the bed, his knees tucked closely against his chest. Harry sits down next the fragile boy who looks up at him through red, watery eyes.

"Love, we need to talk." Harry states once more, this time his tone soft and close to a whisper. Louis nods numbly, he's in no mood to use his voice. He doesn't trust it at a time like this.

"When did you start uh.. harming yourself again?" Harry trips over the words that leave his mouth, trying his best not to upset Louis any more than he already has. He places his hand on Louis' shoulder and rubs soothing patterns into his skin, doing anything he can to relieve some of the darkened sadness that has overshadowed the room.

"I don't know." Louis shrugs, his throat hoarse from crying. More tears collect in those beautiful ocean colored eyes that Harry could drown himself in for days. A couple more cascade down his flushed cheeks and his voice cracks during his barely audible reply, "About a month ago." Harry bites his lip, willing himself not to tear up. It would only make things worse if he broke and started crying along with Louis, he needs to remain strong.

One month. One long, agonizing, and depressing month. Harry knew Louis was having a rough time, but never thought it was this bad. The more he continues to think about it, the more he realizes just how many signs there have been. Never wanting to be touched, all of the breakdowns in the middle of the night, and the constant nervous tension. Louis has been acting the same way he did four years ago when he was struggling with self harm... How did he not catch on sooner?

"I'm sorry, Harry. I never wanted to tell you because I knew it would hurt you. I don't want you to worry about me again and god- I'm so fucked up. I don't even deserve someone like you." Louis sobs weakly while burying his face into Harry's chest. Harry takes deep breaths to try and calm them both down, but it's no use. When Louis rambles on through the fabric of his shirt and mutters a string of "I'm sorry"s, Harry can't stop his own eyes from watering.

"Shhh, don't be sorry." Harry coos and hugs him tighter, "It's alright, we're gonna be okay. Don't ever say that you don't deserve me. You're my entire world, Louis. And you're all that I'll ever need." A thick layer of silence covers the air, besides the faint sniffles Louis makes every few minutes. Harry doesn't like the question he asks next, only because he knows the outcome could be intense for the both of them. But it needs to be done. He needs to see how much damage Louis has caused himself. With a quiet sigh, he finally wonders aloud, "Can I see?" A horrified look appears on Louis' face as he shakes his head no and pulls back from Harry's embrace.

"Harry." Louis brokenly warns.

"Please." He presses, not expecting to hear Louis whisper a nervous fine in return.

Harry slowly lifts the thin fabric of Louis' shirt over his head, biting his lip when Louis tenses beneath his touch. Harry's eyes wander from the black patterns of his tattoos to his perfectly shaped hips. A frown covers his lips when he spots the faint, jagged, red lines dipping beneath the surface of his shorts, indicating that there were plenty more. Harry places his hands on the band of Louis' shorts, their eyes meeting briefly while Louis gives another small nod of encouragement.

"Oh, Louis." Harry gasps quietly, taking in the sight of all the angry wounds. He traces his hand along the scars, each one causing Harry a stab of guilt. He silently wishes that he was the one being hurt instead, not Louis. He doesn't deserve to be hurting like this, constantly burning on the inside and out. And Harry knows now more than ever that Louis can act like he doesn't care and the problems he faces aren't bothering him, but deep inside, it hurts. 

* * * * * * 

With the same routine he's kept for as long as he's had the job, Niall grabs the multiple scattered coffee cups resting on the counter before bringing the bill to the last remaining customer at a nearby table. The man looks to be in his mid seventies and Niall easily recognizes him from previous nights at the diner.

"All set?" Niall asks the man while clearing his empty plate.

"It's all set, young man. Have a nice evening." Niall's eyes widen when the stranger hands him the money, the amount double what the actual price was.

"Oh, I uh think you made a mistake." He states and holds the money out in front of the unknown man. 

"No, that's for you. I've been watching you run around this place all night, you deserve some kind of tip for all of your hard work."

A smile spreads across Niall's face, grateful for the kind gesture. It isn't a ton, but it's definitely enough to help with the rent. Every little bit counts. "Thank you." He answers with sincerity evident in his voice.

"What got into you?" Liam laughs as the younger lad returns to the kitchen with the dirty dishes, a smile still plastered on his face. Niall shrugs.

"Nothing."

"Are you finally feeling better? I'm surprised you didn't take the day off considering how bad your hangover was from last night." Liam replies with a more serious tone before muttering,  
"I talked to Harry."

"Really?" Niall meets Liam's gaze with a look of caution in an instant, earning a small nod from Liam.

"Yeah. It was actually kind of... nice."

"Hm." Niall hums in reply, deep in thought. Maybe this is a good sign for Harry, although he never really can tell what's going on with the younger boy.

-

Niall furrows his brow in confusion as he begins to walk down the hallway to his bedroom. Harry wasn't in the living area when he arrived home from work and the door to his room is open.

"Damn it, Harry." He groans under his breath when he sees their door cracked open. It's a strange sight, Niall can't remember the last time he's seen Harry in there. As he steps closer to the doorway, questions begin to fill his thoughts. What is he doing in there? Is he okay? Doesn't he know that this will only make everything harder?

"Harry-" Niall begins to whisper, but stops dead in his tracks when he takes in the sight of his friend. His eyes and cheeks are red and puffy, an obvious sign that he's been crying. Harry's head rests gently against Louis' pillow, an envelope rising and falling with the motion of his stomach as he breathes.

Niall doesn't say a word and let's his mouth fall slightly open, simply because he doesn't have any words to say. His eyes wander around the now dark room, barely making out the outlines of Louis' old belongings. The pain he feels in his chest aches for Harry and his happiness. He prays that Harry will learn to see the bigger picture and realize that as bad as it gets, things happen for a reason. Niall wishes that Harry will eventually find another reason to replace the sadness in his heart with joy. But overall, he just hopes that one day he won't have to worry about what he will come home to find... Especially when the person he worries about can't seem to find a reason to care anymore.


	12. Chapter 12

As the sun begins to rise and filter through the blinds of the room, Harry lets out a quiet yawn. He didn't sleep much, if at all, last night after what happened with Louis. For the past few hours, he's been wide awake writing in his journal since he has nothing better to do. He tries to shift his position softly enough not to wake Louis, but cringes when seconds later he's met with the pair of his favorite blue eyes. Louis' face is still a bit red from all of the crying and Harry would be lying if he said that he wasn't worried about him.

"Are you mad at me?" Louis suddenly whispers in a barely audible tone. A small frown makes its way onto Harry's face, accompanied by a slight shake of the head. He puts his pen down and rests it on top of his journal that's sitting comfortably in his lap.

"Of course I'm not mad at you." He responds, looking deeply into Louis' eyes. "Why would you think that?"

"I don't know."

"Well, I'm not." Harry assures with a feather like kiss to the top of Louis' head. He goes to move his journal to the bedside table so he could get out of bed, but is stopped by a soft hand.

"Don't go," Louis speaks with a shy smile when asking, "Can I see what you were writing?" A blush powders Harry's cheeks when Louis takes the journal out of his lap and puts it in his own.

"It's not very good."

"Bullshit." Louis dismisses with a light wave of his hand, "It's perfect because you wrote it."

Harry finds himself grinning from ear to ear as Louis flips through the pages to get to the one he wrote just a few minutes ago. His eyes scan over Harry's easy to read handwriting, his eyes brimming with indistinct tears. Every word is directed towards him, which is usually the case with Harry's work. He has the ability to describe him and their relationship better than anyone else ever could...

You hide behind fake smiles  
and counterfeit laughs  
You keep your emotions  
and darkest secrets hidden from the world  
As if they are an illusion  
As if they don't exist,.

Deep down you know that you're lying to everyone around you  
Deep down you know that you're lying to yourself  
These feelings are real  
And they are consuming you,

It's a struggle to let the people you love into your world  
It's a struggle to let them see how you really are  
Not many understand the demons tearing you apart from the inside-out,

You fail to notice the beauty  
You fail to see the light  
You are blinded by the negativity  
that's foreshadowing your life,

This fight isn't meant to be easy  
and it isn't meant to be painless  
This fight may be the beginning of a treacherous journey  
But as the storm threatens to rage on  
Together we will dig ourselves out  
of the snow that has caved in on us  
This fight will not define who we are. 

Louis shakes his head, still glancing down at Harry's poem. In a small voice he whispers, "You're amazing."

"So are you."

Louis shrugs while wiping the few tears that gathered in his eyes, not knowing how to respond to the compliment. Instead, he reaches over Harry once more to grab his black pen. A giddy smirk returns to his face as if he were a child back in primary school when he uncaps the writing utensil, pressing the ink-covered point to the leather cover of Harry's journal.

"Lou!" He gasps. Harry tries his best to sound upset, but fails as the two erupt in laughter. He doesn't mind that Louis is drawing on his journal, in fact, he loves Louis' drawings and now he will be able to look at them every day while at work.

"Oh, I almost forgot." Harry announces after catching his breath, "We're going somewhere tonight after I get out of work."

"Where?"

"I can't tell you, it's a surprise." Harry replies, already feeling excited for tonight. He has been planning this for a while now and it's something that Louis is going to love. It's also another huge step in their relationship, a permanent commitment.

"Harry, you know that I hate surprises." Louis groans in frustration.

"It will be worth it. Trust me." 

* * * * * *

"Please, Harry." Niall continues to beg from the opposite side of the living-area, but Harry is quick to shut him down. All he wants to do is get Harry out of this flat for one night, only a couple of hours. If Harry is going to go back to work, that means he's going to have to leave the flat. He needs to get over this fear eventually.  
The two haven't yet spoken about what Niall saw last night and neither intend on bringing it up. When he woke, Harry was back in his own room, the door to their old room locked like it had never been opened.

"No."

"You need to get out of here! C'mon, Liam is going to meet up with us as well. You can't continue to shut yourself in like this, you're going to drive yourself insane." Niall protests, watching as Harry rolls his eyes and crosses his arms over his chest.

"Maybe that's what I want." Harry mumbles to himself before raising his tone, "I told you no, I'm not going anywhere. What makes you think I would in the first place?"

"Just look at yourself!" The two flinch at the roughness of his voice. Niall pinches the bridge of his nose in distress and replies softer, "We can go anywhere you'd like, just think about it alright? This will help you."

"The only place I'm going is the bar." Harry insists, half-joking yet completely serious at the same time. He finally thinks that response will shut Niall up, but shakes his head in annoyance when he keeps talking.

"Alright." Niall states casually after a brief pause. Harry stares at his friend with wide eyes.

"I was kidding."

"Harry, for once I'm actually giving you an opportunity to get drunk. Are we going or not?" Niall challenges with an attitude. He knows it's probably not the best way to lure Harry out of the flat, but damn, at this point what has he got to lose?

"You're ridiculous." The younger boy scoffs while changing his position on the couch. Niall finds himself smirking as he hears a grumbled reply seconds later, "Fine, I'll go."

When it comes to the stubborn Irish lad, Harry never seems to win.

-

As the alcohol starts making his cheeks feel warmer and thoughts fuzzy, Harry slowly finds himself ridding the anxious feeling he first had when stepping into the uncrowded bar. The feeling of being out of the flat after so many months is foreign and terrifying in various ways. His skin crawls and heart hammers in his chest whenever someone looks his way. Harry never really understood what it was like to have a fear of going out into the public before. He used to sympathize with those who struggled, like Louis would at times when places they went became a bit too crowded. Now, he understands.

"So, Harry how are you doing?" Liam tries to make conversation while taking small sips of his beer. His voice is loud to be heard from the other side of Niall, the three sitting side by side on the wooden bar stools. When he first walked in, he tried to act like it wasn't a big deal that Harry actually showed up. Between him and Niall though, this is a big accomplishment.

"Fine." Harry replies simply with a shrug.

"Niall mentioned that you were thinking of going back to work." Liam mentions, earning a nervous glance from Niall at the touchy subject. "Have you found anywhere you want to apply to yet?"

"Yeah, actually I have." A smile spreads across Liam's face, proud of the younger boy for finally stepping out of his comfort zone. Niall, on the other hand, sends him a look of bewilderment because this is news to him.

"Really?" Niall questions.

"I'm going back to the publishing company. I thought about what you said," Harry answers, motioning to Niall, "And I think you're right. I don't know if I'll find a better job than that. I'm going to the office next week."

"Good for you, Harry! That's great." Liam beams while Niall tries to put a smile on his face... He's not buying it. Harry is drunk, and he knows that not a single word that comes out of his mouth can be trusted. Talking about things he wants to do and accomplish is a general routine, but once he's sober again the perfect image he created in his mind comes crashing down.


	13. Chapter 13

"Tattoos?" Louis gulps, his eyes growing wide as the two stand outside of the tattoo shop. "Are you crazy?" He exclaims, waving his hands around in front of him.

"Maybe a little." Harry smirks while wrapping his large hand around Louis' smaller one. "Come on, it'll be fun. I know you love my tattoos, wouldn't it be cool to get one together?"

"I don't know... I guess." Louis replies, still a bit hesitant. "Are you implying that we get matching tattoos?" Harry's grin grows wider at the comment.

"If that's what you want."

"Harry, you need to think this through. Do you even have the money?" Louis continues to ramble. There is no way he's going to let Harry spend all of his money on him just to get some stupid tattoo. Besides, tattoos aren't something that Louis is very fond of.

"Lou, I've got the money. Now stop with the excuses, we're going inside." Harry states with a simple shrug of the shoulders. In one swift motion he tightens his grip on Louis' hand, tugging the somewhat frightened boy along.

Once inside, they are met by a middle aged women who has numerous tattoos and piercings covering her body. Louis gives Harry a small look when he picks up a booklet of tattoo designs that's resting on the front counter and starts flipping through the pages. Louis remains quiet next to Harry, still not really into the whole thing. That is, until he notices something that almost instantly grabs his attention.

"Wait, stop." Louis announces and puts his hand on top of Harry's so that he can't turn the page. A blush appears across his cheeks when he points to the design that has caught his eye.

"You like this one?" Harry hums, meeting Louis' shy gaze. A content silence rests in the air between them as Harry examines the simple drawing of the ship. It almost looks like something Louis would scribble out when he was bored, except this one is a bit more in-depth.

"What?" Louis asks unexpectedly when a smile finds its way upon Harry's face.

"Do you still have that drawing of a compass that you made a few years back?"

"Yeah." Louis replies, finding a grin plastered on his face as well. He knows what Harry is implying, yet there's still a small part of him that's nervous. Maybe it's the fact that he's trying desperately not to get too attached to Harry in case their relationship falls apart, or maybe it's because he knows that he's already in too deep. "Isn't the idea of matching tattoos a little bit scary to you?" Louis wonders in a hushed voice.

"No, not really." Harry chuckles while shaking his head. "I've wanted to get matching tattoos for a while now, but I knew that I had to wait until I found the right person. It's kinda like the ultimate lifelong bond, You know?"

"Exactly." The shorter boy agrees. As Harry closes the book and wraps his arm around Louis' waist, a sudden realization dawns on him. Harry could've easily went out with one of his friends to get a tattoo, but he's been waiting for someone special who he knows won't abandon him. Harry is all about trust and identifies a hidden meaning to every situation. The fact that he's decided to share this part of his life with Louis is a big deal for the both of them and their future. That's why after one last breath and a nod of self-encouragement, Louis finds himself giving Harry the "okay" to get started. The more he thinks about it, the more the theory grows on him. Louis has always needed a ship for his compass to guide and now, Harry will always be able to find his way back home.

* * * * * *

The crisp October air sends a breeze through the city, making prominent goosebumps appear on Harry's paled skin. With the quiet chatter of his teeth, he puts his hands in the pockets of his long black coat trying to retain some kind of body heat. His head snaps back and forth with the sound of others walking past him and it feels as if his senses are on overdrive from being surrounded by the unfamiliar scenery. Harry inhales deeply and continues on, getting lost in the darkness that his mind consumes.

Over the past couple of days, Harry has been seeing Liam a lot more often. He still isn't one hundred percent sure where he stands with the older boy. Of course Harry was beyond drunk the night all three of them went to the bar, but he didn't have anything bad to say about his time with Liam. In fact, he may even admit that he enjoyed it. Harry is starting to think that Liam isn't as bad as he had previously thought and part of him is beginning to feel guilty for the way he treated him when Niall first brought him over. He knows that Liam considers him friend and maybe some day, Harry will too.

The growing knot in his stomach tightens when he sees the well known building just steps away. In all honesty, he never planned to leave the flat this morning. But as his thoughts started racing and he was met with the harsh reality of his situation, he only had one thing on his mind- to prove Niall wrong. He knows it's time to make an effort to get a job and in order to do that, it means pushing himself far beyond the comfort zone he's acquired over the last year. Going out in public and dealing with people is a whole new obstacle that he needs to face.

Harry instinctively rests his hand on the journal that's tucked gently in his coat pocket, hoping that his old writing will be enough to prove that he's still fit for the job. He originally got the offer from his old English teacher who had ties to the company. She believed that he had a special gift and that he deserved to have his work published some day. Working for the publishing company was a step in the right direction and besides, it's not every day that a high-school graduate gets hired for a job like this without a college degree. Naturally, Harry took the opportunity. It would be a shame to let this job go if he can't get it back...

Here we go. He thinks to himself as he runs a hand through his hair, before pulling the door open. The atmosphere surrounding him is plain and just how he remembers it. When he rounds the corner left of the double doors, Harry knows exactly who to talk to.

"Can I help you?" The lump in Harry's throat tightens as a wave of nerves washes through his system. He begs himself not to throw up due to the overwhelming encounters that he's experienced throughout the day and tries to focus on the stranger standing in front of him instead. This is definitely not what he was expecting.

"Um sorry." Harry stutters, "Is Zayn here? This used to be his area..."

"No, Zayn only works part-time now." The seemingly arrogant man replies in a tone of boredom. Part-time? Why would he do that? Harry rolls his eyes, not fully surprised with his old co-worker. Zayn has never been one to commit to things.

"Do you know when his next shift is?"

"I'm sorry, I don't. He's been taking a lot of time off. That's why I was hired to fill in for him." Harry emits a sigh of disappointment, he did all of this for nothing.

"Alright. Thanks... I guess." With one final look around the place, he turns on his heel and begins his trek back to the flat- the only place that he feels he truly belongs.


	14. Chapter 14

Louis bows his head in shame as he looks at the empty bottle of alcohol sitting on the floor next to him. He takes one last sip of the vodka that's in his hand before setting it down next to the other. He's not quite sure why he turned to alcohol this afternoon, but Harry has been working overtime at work and being alone never ends well.

"Louis? Love, what's wrong?" Harry's warm voice echoes down the hall and his footsteps soon follow. Most of the lights are off in the flat, giving Harry a clear signal that something is bothering the delicate boy.

"No, keep it off." Louis protests when Harry goes to turn the light on. He observes Louis' broken appearance, sitting on the floor with his head held in his hands. A worried frown emerges onto Harry's face as he carefully sets his journal and other papers from work down onto the bed.

"Are you drunk?" Harry wonders in a soft tone while sitting down next to Louis on the hard floor.

Louis shrugs. "Could be."

"Is everything alright?" Harry asks, knowing that Louis must have a lot on his mind. He rarely drinks to the point of impairement and he only does so when he wishes to numb everything going on around him.

"I'm great, Harry." What is meant to be a cheerful grin of sincerity shows on the outside as the exact opposite. The false facade Louis has been striving to attain practically crumbles beneath Harry's gaze when Louis' eyes start to water. His overly fake smile washes away as quickly as it came. Harry takes a small breath and closes his eyes while Louis shakes his head before burying his face into Harry's chest.

The room is still as Harry rubs soothing patterns onto Louis' back through the fabric of his hoodie. He remains quiet while Louis cries softly into his t-shirt and Harry waits until he has calmed down a bit until asking more questions. He hates seeing Louis like this, in so much pain. "I'm just-"

Harry furrows his eyebrows at the sound of his boyfriend's muffled voice. The words catch him off guard and he prays that he heard Louis wrong. "What was that, love?"

"I'm tired of feeling like this." Louis states with honesty. He's tired of constantly hiding how he feels and trying to make sure Harry won't be upset with him. He's tired of always trying to be happy when he's not. He's just tired of everything at this point and Louis doesn't care what happens next. "I'm such a pathetic excuse for a boyfriend. Look at me! While you're out working all day I'm sitting here, drinking myself out of despair."

Harry cringes at Louis' sudden shift in mood, not liking the way he dryly laughs about himself. He pulls the drunken boy closer to his body in an attempt to soften the harsh blow that Louis' words cause the both of them as he keeps mumbling, "I don't belong with you. I don't deserve any thing that you give me."

"Don't say things like that. You know that I love you just the way you are."

Louis scoffs. "Do you, though? I'm a self-centered idiot who doesn't have a job, lives off his boyfriend's paychecks, and finds peace in hurting himself. You don't love me, Harry."

Harry is stunned into silence when the brutality of Louis' words hit him in the face. He recognizes one prominent feeling in the pit of his stomach that isn't pity, sadness, or even nerves. This is the same feeling he had the first day of high school. It's also the same feeling that consumed him the day he finally came out to his parents. There were only a few times in Harry's life when he truly experienced how this emotion felt and now he's encountering it more than ever... Fear.

The complexity of Louis' problems never proved to be a challenge until now. For the first time, Harry is realizing that Louis may be battling something that's bigger than either of them can fight. The fact that he may not be enough to help Louis is utterly terrifying.

"Lou, of course I love you." Harry assures and engulfs Louis into a hug. He's not sure if he can get any closer to Louis than this, but right now all he wants to do is hold his discouraged boy and tell him everything will be alright. "You're not self-centered and I don't care if you have a job or not. You're struggling and I'm going to be here to help you every step of the way." Harry presses a light kiss to Louis' tear stained cheek.

"I'm sorry." He whispers delicately and Harry swears he can feel a part of his heart breaking. With a shake of his head he replies,

"Don't be."

* * * * * * 

Harry stares down at the piece of paper in his hand that has almost become foreign, the origin and memory of it slowly fading away. He lets out a sigh of vanquish, taking one last sip of the now empty bottle of liquor that has contaminated his thoughts.

"You gonna open it, mate?" Niall asks in a timid voice as he wanders into the kitchen. It's late and he just arrived home a little while ago, Harry had been sitting in the dark at the table for hours- just thinking.

"I don't think so." Harry shakes his head, his reply soft. He watches carefully while the older boy takes a seat across from him and slides the empty bottle out of the way.

"Why not?" Niall dares to wonder, the touchiness of the subject visible as Harry nearly winces at the question. Times like these are when Niall knows Harry is in the most pain because instead of getting angry or trying to build a wall between everyone around him and his feelings; the wall simply does not exist.

Harry bites his lip and stares at the wooden table. "I-um-"

"It's alright, we don't have to talk about it."

"I don't know." Harry groans, resting his head in his hands. "One day I want to open it and then the next I don't."He looks up at Niall who stays silent, trying to think of something to say. Harry hates these constant mixed feelings effecting everything he tries to do and it's not a result of the alcohol he's found comfort in. He knows that the way he's been living isn't normal and is a hazard to his health, but Harry doesn't have the will-power to seek professional help nor does he want it.

When no further words are exchanged, he proceeds to ramble.

"I just don't think I can bring myself to read whatever words he wrote in here, Niall." The statement leaves his mouth hardly above a whisper and soon tears are pooling into his weary, dim green eyes. Niall frowns with sympathy.

"Harry mate," He begins lowly, looking into his friend's eyes with nothing but concern and understanding. "You don't have to read it. We can put it back where you found it and someday if you feel that your ready, really ready, you can open it. Yeah? Besides, you've had a bit to drink tonight and you don't want to read whatever he has to say when you're not one-hundred percent focused. When you change your mind, I'll be here for you alright? Maybe now just isn't the right time..."

"Ha," Harry laughs impassively, "I've been saying that for the last six months. When will it be the right time, then? " Guilt sinks down into his stomach once he realizes how harsh he's being on Niall. It amazes him how the lad is still living here and putting up with all of the crap that Harry deals him, because he sure wouldn't stand for it if the roles were reversed.

"Sorry." He mutters under his breath before pushing his chair back and exiting the room. In a fast pace he quickly enters the bathroom and shuts the door behind him, wanting nothing more than to be alone. He glares at the person in the mirror that's staring back at him with tired eyes. A year ago, he would have never recognized this stranger standing in his place who stole the light out of an untroubled, optimistic, 19 year old boy and replaced it with a relentless tunnel of darkness. In the midst of losing the things that mean the most to him, he also lost someone that he thought he'd never have to worry about losing...

Himself.


	15. Chapter 15

Harry sits up in bed holding back a yawn and moves the covers around with caution so that he doesn't wake Louis. He glances at the peaceful state the wispy-haired boy is in and slightly shakes his head. Louis was too drunk last night to worry about the silly things that normally occupies his mind and for the first time in months he went to bed without a shirt on. Something as simple as taking his shirt off makes Louis extremely self-conscious, partly because of the scars that he doesn't want Harry to see.

But now, Harry can easily see the puffy pink and black outline of his new tattoo stenciled delicately into his skin. Instead of moving his gaze down to the other kind of pink lines tracing Louis' sides, Harry continues to admire his own tattoo with a grin. A few minutes later, Harry notices Louis rustle a bit before groggily opening his eyes.

"Why do you always look at me like that?" Louis whispers while meeting Harry's stare of appreciation. His head is pounding and he regrets drinking, knowing right away that today is going to be a rough day. He doesn't remember much, if anything, from last night except a few tears along with a blur of darkness. The corners of his mouth curve into a faint smile when Harry's lips suddenly brush against his own.

"I wish you could see how much you mean to me." Harry breathes softly in reply. If he only had one wish, he would do anything in his power for Louis to realize his self-worth. He wants Louis to be happy more than anything in this whole entire world and seeing him sad is just as painful for harry as it is for Louis. And that's a lot of pain to go around. 

* * * * * * 

~1 Week Later~

A blaring car horn nearly frightens Harry to death as he walks across the unlit street. The city is deserted at this hour of the night, the steady rainfall and thundershowers not motivating people to be out and about. He emits a deep sigh of relief once he makes it safely to the other side and zips his jacket up a little bit tighter. Everything around him seems to give him the shivers- and it's not just because of the change in temperature.

Harry knows that it's wrong of him to be on the streets, especially due to the reason behind it all. Niall is working a double shift to train a new, and much needed employee. It's the first time in months that he's left Harry home alone throughout the whole night because Niall never trusts him. This morning though, he made Harry promise he wouldn't do anything stupid or leave the flat. Twelve hours and a broken mindset later, here he is, already breaking that promise.

The fluorescent lights hanging around the inexpensive convenience store continually blink on and off, making Harry squint as he pulls the rusted door open. The smell of cardboard and old tobacco fills his senses the moment he walks inside, sparing a passing glance for the tired looking worker who's sitting at the register.

He passes the front counter and walks through one of the narrow isles until he reaches the only thing that he came here for. All Harry has on his mind is feeding the growing addiction towards the clean-tasting liquid that seems to wash his worries away. He knows that the way he depends on alcohol is far from normal, but he just doesn't care what happens to him or his body at this point. Niall has refused to buy the younger boy any more drinks and argued that if he needed something that badly, he would have to go out himself and buy some.

While Harry quickly grabs a random bottle of liquor, he hears faint chimes above the door that alert the workers when another customer has entered the store. Shrugging, he picks up another one of the cheapest bottles he can find before making his way towards the cash register, wanting nothing more than to get back to the flat.

"Will this be it?" The employee mumbles in what is supposed to be a friendly tone. He looks to be in his late twenties and his blood-shot eyes meet Harry's with a fake smile. That look is something that Harry knows all too well and it makes him wonder if the guy is struggling with a battle of his own. "Do you want your receipt?" He asks, after announcing the total.

"No, keep the change." Harry shakes his head. It isn't like he has the money to give away or anything, but he could at least spare a few coins.

Just as he's about to turn and walk away, he is stopped abruptly in his tracks. An eerily familiar voice sounds from the opposite side of him, making Harry furrow his brow in confusion. He knows that voice... Why would he be here at this time of night?   
The thick accent comes from behind his left shoulder, a quiet gasp of curiosity and shock that breaks Harry out of his twisted thoughts.

"Harry, mate is that you? It's been a while..."

He turns his head to meet the person's gaze and is entirely taken back once his suspicions are confirmed.

"Zayn? Where the hell have you been?"


	16. Chapter 16

"Louis can we talk?" Harry asks in a shy voice, stopping Louis from getting up from the kitchen table. After a full hour and a half of laying around in bed, he called in sick to work, again, and finally meandered into the kitchen to make some breakfast. Well, cereal and orange juice if that counts.

"Uh- yeah." Louis replies as he sits back down in his chair and places his empty bowl down in front of him. His eyes are now staring into Harry's with worry and fear, "What do you want to talk to me about?"

"I know you aren't going to want to listen to me, but try to hear me out okay?" Harry runs a hand through his messy hair and breathes heavily. Louis watches silently, already beginning to feel nervous. He doesn't know what to think and a million thoughts are running through his head.

"Alright, so I've um- I've been thinking a lot lately. About you and me; us." Harry begins, not really knowing how to say any of this so it won't upset Louis. "And you know that I'm worried about you, Lou. The things you said last night really scared me and I-just I don't know what else to do. I think that we both could benefit by-"

"Are you implying that I go to therapy?" Louis scowls, his pulse quickening and his temper rising.

"No, no, no!" Harry exclaims before letting out a sigh, "I-yes."

"No fucking way." He scoffs, "I'm not going."

"Louis-"

"No! Who the hell do you think I am? I'm not a psychopath and I certainly don't need some conceited asshole of a doctor to tell me otherwise." Harry cringes while Louis yells and forcefully stands from the table. He knew this was going to happen.

"Louis, you know that what you're feeling isn't normal. You don't have to suffer alone, we can-"

"Oh, so now you're saying that I'm a lunatic that belongs in a mental institution?" The shorter boy accuses, his loud shrills echoing throughout the flat. He honestly doesn't mean to yell or say any of these things to Harry, but the thought of getting help terrifies him. Louis has no filter for the words that are leaving his mouth because his mind is automatically in defense-mode.

"That isn't what I'm saying! Would you just listen to me-" Harry argues as he starts to get flustered, but only to be cut-off by Louis once again.

"That is exactly what you're saying." Louis states slightly quieter this time. He looks over at Harry's disappointed frown and red face. Guilt washes over him and he automatically regrets how immature he's being towards Harry. "You're right, I probably do belong in a mental institution... I'm that screwed up aren't I?" Harry falls silent at Louis' quiet remark and is surprised when Louis starts to cry. He forgets how fragile Louis really is sometimes. 

"No, you're not love. I just thought that it might be a good idea to go and talk to someone who can help lift your mood. I hate seeing you upset all of the time... Never-mind, forget that I brought it up." Harry tries to soothe the boy and stands to give him a hug.

"I don't deserve help." Louis whimpers hardly above a whisper into Harry's shoulder.

Harry shakes his head and is quick to shut down his protests of defeat, "Shh, yes you do, Louis. Can you at least think about it? I promise that I'll be with you every step of the way, no matter what you decide."

After the table gets cleared and is accompanied by an uneasy silence, Louis begins to cool down and actually process Harry's offer. There's no denying that he would benefit from getting some professional help. The more he outweighs the pros and the cons, the more he realizes that he doesn't want to feel like this anymore. This heavy feeling of depression constantly laying on his shoulders is tiring and Louis isn't sure how much longer he can carry it around before he collapses from the weight. He also knows that it would make Harry relax at the thought of him agreeing to go.

"Harry?" He wonders weakly as the tall boy begins to wash some of the bowls that are sitting in the sink. "I guess I'll go, I'm sorry for what I said." Louis can't believe that he's complying and is about to open his mouth to back out on the deal, but quickly dismisses the thought when Harry turns to face him with a bright smile.

"Really?" Harry tests, making sure Louis isn't just saying it. He nods and Harry could never explain the feelings of profoundness and relief that spread throughout his body. The fact that Louis wants to be better gives him a false sense of hope that everything will eventually be okay again, but neither of the two boys suspected that this would be the worst mistake they ever made.

* * * * * *

The thick accent comes from behind his left shoulder, a quiet gasp of curiosity and shock that breaks Harry out of his twisted thoughts.

"Harry, mate is that you? It's been a while..." He turns his head to meet the person's gaze and is entirely taken back once his suspicions are confirmed.

"Zayn? Where the hell have you been?"

Harry's eyes scan over the frail boy and is stunned at what's standing in front of him. He knows that his appearance has also changed over this past year, but Zayn looks like a completely different person. The dark circles under his eyes make it seem like he hasn't slept in days. The stubble on his chin is visible and very unlike Zayn who always showed up to work clean-shaven. Numerous tattoos are coating both of his arms as the designs peek out from under the edges of his t-shirt and his nose-piercing doesn't go unnoticed either.

"Uh, you know... Just doing my own thing around town." Zayn shrugs casually. Harry meets his paled face and exchanges a deer-in-the-headlights expression that both men hold noticeably on their faces. Neither one expected to run into the other on a night like this.

Zayn begins to shuffle his way out of the cramped little store and Harry soon follows with his bag of alcohol in hand.

"What about you? The last anyone heard was that you were taking a permanent leave and you gave the boss your two week notice. I thought you moved away." The smell of cigarette smoke fills the air between them, Zayn's faint chuckle following as he continues to lean against the brick store-building and puffs away. Harry's mouth forms into a thin line, not liking this subject.

"It's none of you're business, really." He snaps without hesitation, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Woah calm down, mate. I didn't mean it." Zayn states in an indistinct tone, putting his hands up in defense. Whether it's the fact that Harry just wants to go home to get drunk or that he's overly tired, something about Zayn is putting the younger boy on edge and he doesn't like it one bit. He still has so many questions that need an answer, but he chooses to ignore the unimportant thoughts racing through his head.

"Sorry, I've got to head home. Um- It was nice seeing you again, though." Harry briefly stutters while the Zayn nods in agreement.

"Yeah, you too." He replies and watches as Harry turns to begin his walk back to the flat. Harry doesn't understand why Zayn is being so distant or why their conversation came to a terrible halt and decides to blame it on his lack of social skills. "Harry, wait." He hears Zayn's voice echo from behind and Harry stops in his tracks. The crunching of gravel as his footsteps get closer ricochet off the sides of the buildings.

"I really need to talk to you about something, it's important." Zayn states in a serious and almost nervous tone, compared to his hostile attitude seconds earlier. Harry runs a hand through his hair, not knowing how to reply without letting go of his emotions that have been bottled up inside.

"If it's really 'that important' then how come you never even tried to call me and see how I was doing after I quit? Why haven't you called me or visited me at all in the past year? A year Zayn!" Harry argues bitterly. He never noticed how much he missed having a close friend like Zayn until he was gone. It doesn't take much for Harry to get attached to someone, especially when he's known them for a matter of months. He always felt that he could trust Zayn, but obviously that theory has proven to be wrong.

"I know, alright?" Zayn sighs, "We've both been through a lot this past year and I'm sorry that I've been avoiding you for such a long time... But I just- I know that I can't hide anymore and I won't be able to live with myself if I don't get this off my chest."

Harry's face falls and solemnly nods in response. He's not quite sure what Zayn's getting at or why he's being so uptight. "Um- alright. I'll just call you tomorrow, yeah? We can figure out a time to talk then-" Of course Harry hates the thought of using his cell phone again, but if he absolutely has to, he will.

"This needs to be said now," Zayn interjects, "Can we just do it tonight? I don't know if you're going to want to talk to me again after this..." What? "My place is just around the corner." The jingle of Zayn's keys fill the air as he digs them out of his pocket and throws his used cigarette onto the ground.

"Tonight?" Harry questions, now thoroughly confused. He doesn't know what Zayn wants to tell him and isn't sure whether he should follow through with his plan of going home or not. He meets his friend's waiting gaze and contemplates his options. "Okay. I-uh- guess I'll go."

Zayn flashes a sad smile while the two approach his beat-up looking truck. "Thanks, mate." Harry's stomach clenches with nerves because he has absolutely no idea what the fuck is going on or why Zayn is acting like he committed a crime. He's never witnessed him like this before, so tense and vulnerable. Yet as they pull out onto the road that's glistening with the freshly-fallen raindrops, Harry is asking himself why the person sitting in the driver's seat next to him is resembling someone he's never met before; and it makes him wonder if he even knew the real Zayn to begin with or if he ever existed.


	17. Chapter 17

"I can't believe you brought me here." Louis mutters under his breath so only Harry can hear. Harry tries to wrap his arm around Louis' shoulder, but is almost instantly pushed away. Louis folds his arms in annoyance and avoids Harry's pleading eyes for him to just cooperate. The crisp silence hovering in the air of the small therapy room is like a fog that never dissipates. The place is already giving Louis chills and he doesn't understand how people could stand to work in such a quiet environment all day long.

Harry sighs, "You heard what your therapist said, Lou. Trust me, I don't want to be here any more than you do." Over the past week, Louis has finally attended his first two therapy sessions. It hasn't been easy for them, but Harry is glad that he's finally taking a step in the right direction. After his second appointment, it was brought to Harry's attention that Louis needed more than what could be offered in regular therapy. He does, in-fact have severe depression and should be put on medication as soon as possible, which meant going to see a psychiatrist. Harry feels bad for having to drag Louis along to yet another appointment this week, but there's no other options at this point.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Melody Carmichael. You must be Louis." A tall woman who looks to be in her early thirties suddenly opens the door, greeting the pair with a smile. "Sorry to keep you waiting... And I'm assuming you're Harry?" She asks while taking a seat at her desk across from the anxious couple. Harry nods in response while Louis sends his boyfriend a nervous scowl.

"Nice to meet you both. To start, I'm going to have to ask you to leave the room for a bit Harry. If that's alright?" Melody questions, making Louis even more jittery.

"No problem." Harry replies, giving Louis a pat on the knee before exiting the room. Melody takes note of Louis' extremely apprehensive composure and lets out a soft chuckle.

"There's no reason to be so nervous, Louis. I'm just going to ask you some questions and I thought that it may be easier for you to tell me the truth without Harry around."

"Alright." Louis states in a hushed voice.

"So how long have you been feeling this way?" Louis resists the urge to roll his eyes at the same question he's heard twice in the last four days.

"A few years, maybe."

Melody frowns, "Do you ever have urges to harm yourself?"

"Um," Louis feels his face heat up, still not used to being asked this question. He looks to the ground, ashamed of the answer he's about to give. "I guess so."

"Do you ever act upon these urges?" Melody glances up from her notebook and watches as Louis shyly nods his head. There's a pause and it feels like it's been hours since she has asked the question, when in reality it's only been seconds.

"Have you ever had thoughts of killing yourself or committing suicide?" When Louis doesn't answer, she adds, "It's okay, you can tell me the truth."

His lips form a thin line of concentration as he debates whether he actually could tell her the truth or not. "Yes." Louis states in an indistinct tone.

"How often do you think about it, Louis?" Melody wonders while she rests her pen on top of her notebook, giving Louis her full attention.

"I don't know... Every other day?" He whispers, almost immediately regretting opening his mouth.

After a few more questions are asked and Louis has finally given up on all the secrets he's been trying so hard to hide, the session is close to being over. Melody gathers up her notes and Louis stands from his chair, eager to get back to Harry.

"Before you go," Melody begins, "Could you please send Harry in for a moment?"

"Sure." Louis answers and goes out into the hallway to retrieve him.

"You wanted to see me?" Harry asks with a hint of worry. His mind is reeling with all of the possibilities that could've gone wrong with Louis as he stands in front of Dr. Carmichael's desk.

"Yes. I wanted to let you know that I did proscribe Louis a medication for his depression, but there are some side-effects that you need to be aware of." She states, "Louis is also aware, but it's best if someone close can keep an eye on him."

"What are the side-effects?" Harry furrows his brow and waits for a reply.

"In the first few days he could experience nausea, dizziness, and mild headaches, but it shouldn't be anything worse than that. If he suddenly stops taking it, he could be extremely irritable with mood swings. And, as I'm sure you know, you need to watch for any signs that his depression has gotten worse or if he is having thoughts of suicide." Harry nods and tries to take all of this information in.

"Alright, well if you run into any problems don't hesitate to call. We can always try something different if this doesn't work out. Even if you feel that Louis is acting the slightest bit off, don't question it. It can be rare for a drug to have a reverse effect, but not impossible..."

* * * * * * 

"Here we are." Zayn announces as Harry follows him up the front steps to his undersized home. He waits for Zayn to unlock the door and looks around when the older boy turns the light on. The house is neater than what he expected. It's simple and clean except for a couple of framed photos and paintings placed strategically on the cream-colored walls, ones that Zayn probably painted himself. An echoing click sounds as the door closes behind Harry and he begins to take off his jacket that's still soaking from the rain.

"You can just keep your coat on, you aren't going to be staying very long." Zayn states from the other side of the room while he leans against one of the kitchen counters. His tone is quiet, but harsh at the same time and Harry can tell that he's masking his emotions. The dreadful feeling in the pit of Harry's stomach still hasn't subsided, if anything it's gotten worse.

"Why do you keep saying that? If you're going to simply stand there and play games with me all night, I'm leaving right now."

"M'not, sorry." Zayn apologizes, making Harry roll his eyes and take a seat at the empty table. It slightly worries him how Zayn managed to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes from the time that they left the convenience store and how his hands have been trembling the whole drive back. It's no question that he's experiencing a tremendous fight of inner turmoil that he doesn't know how to overcome. "Before I tell you this, will you promise me something?" Harry nods skeptically in return, his full attention now on the struggling boy standing in front of him.

"After I tell you this, can you try to remember me as the person you knew for the six months that we worked together? I wasn't playing games with you, I swear." Zayn rubs his temple with one of his hands before whispering, "Fuck, I didn't mean to do it, Harry."

"What are you talking about?" Zayn diverts his gaze to the floor and shakes his head, not able to bring himself to meet Harry's scrutinizing stare. "Zayn," Harry presses as tears well up in Zayn's bloodshot eyes. The beating of his heart is practically all Harry can hear. "What did you do?"

"I can't believe I'm telling you this." He mumbles and attempts to dry his eyes, only for them to be filled with water seconds later. "It-um it was a year ago and everything was just going downhill." He lets out a sigh and Harry closes his eyes, praying this won't be as bad as it seems.

"You were taking a lot of time off from work and I was the one making up the hours. Perrie and I had also been fighting about a lot of stupid shit that month. I don't know, one night I just wanted to go out and forget about everything. I went to some club and I didn't care how drunk I got, god- I was drunk." Zayn frowns, disappointment evident on his face. "I didn't care if I ended up going home with a random girl and cheated on Perrie, I guess I knew that our relationship was close to being over. We were losing interest in the things that we used to love to do together, just becoming bored with each other. I uh, I didn't think I would ever think about going for a guy, but at that point I could barely remember my name.

We started to kiss and it was clear that he was also beyond wasted. He tried telling me he had to go home but I didn't listen. He was hesitant and it seemed like something was bothering him, but neither of us were in our right minds."

"Why the hell are you telling me this now?" Harry snaps with a glare, no longer feeling sorry or any solicitude for his former friend. 

"I-" Zayn begins, but Harry cuts him off once again, his mind racing with thoughts that didn't add up to what is being said.

"Zayn," He repeats in a cold tone, while staring at the older boy with confusion. An immense fear plagues his mind as a sudden realization dawns on him. His heart clenches at the thought of Zayn potentially being with him - his Louis- and he wants to scream at Zayn for pulling such a twisted joke on him. "This can't be why you're saying all of this. There's no way you're talking about Louis." Harry insists with a scoff. He refuses to believe Zayn, even when the look on his face is all of the confirmation that is needed.

"I swear, Harry. I didn't mean for it to happen, I had no idea it was him! It was all my fault, he was even more wasted than I was and-"

"No," Harry whispers, tears of his own already starting to cloud his vision. "No, he wouldn't do that."

"Harry I-, I'm sorry alright? I swear I didn't know it was him until he woke up the next morning and started crying and ranting on about you. He saw the picture of us in my room from that holiday work party and then we both kind of put the pieces together."

"No. You're lying!" Harry yells with a choked whimper as he stands from the table, making Zayn cringe. The amount of pain and disbelief radiating off of him is crushing. Zayn knows what happened was wrong and it hurts him to break the disturbing news, but it had to be said. He couldn't live with himself knowing that there's more to the story than what Harry has been believing all of this time. Zayn did know about Louis' death and saw the obituary in the papers. That's when he knew that he couldn't keep it a secret forever. The heavy news was starting to destroy Zayn as much as it's been destroying Harry. "Louis would never do that, it wasn't him."

"Harry-" Zayn tries to calm him by putting an arm around the frantic boy. It seems as if his world is crumbling around him, but there's nothing Zayn can do to help.

"Don't fucking touch me." Harry pathetically cries, "Was this some sick game of yours? To try to get to know me and then screw my boyfriend behind my back just to mess with me? You knew all of this time. You fucking knew how much he meant to me, Zayn!" Silence penetrates the air between them, Harry's disgusted stare meeting Zayn's expression of regret. "Don't ever think about coming near me again." Harry seethes before quickly throwing the door open. He doesn't wait any longer before slamming it shut behind him, not wanting to hear the rest of what Zayn has to say.

Once outside, his stifled sobs are muffled by the cars that pass by. The rain splashes his face and washes away some of the tears that are cascading down his flushed cheeks. Harry shakes his head over and over again in denial.

The night before Louis' death was tragic and heartbreaking. Crying, yelling, and screaming were the only sounds that filled the tense air and Harry clearly remembers how frustrated Louis was when he left without saying goodbye. He also remembers how he waited and called for hours into the night and never got a reply. He remembers every single detail, even when he wishes that he didn't. Their relationship felt like it was coming undone, the bitter fight being the final push that forced them to spend time apart. Harry never did get an explanation of what happened that night. But no, Louis would never cheat and he fails to believe anything other than what he thought was the truth.

As he continues to stand in the middle of the sidewalk questioning the past five years of his relationship, Harry is more broken and abandoned than ever before. He's beginning to learn that a single truth discovered can be enough to create doubt in every lie exposed...


	18. Chapter 18

Louis tosses and turns for what feels like the tenth time tonight, still wide awake into the early hours of the next morning. He lets out a quiet sigh, trying not to disturb Harry who somehow manages to sleep through his rowdiness.

This has been a normal occurrence for Louis for the past week or so. He's been having more trouble sleeping than usual and can't seem to get a handle on his unsettled thoughts. He's blamed it on the fact that he's not doing much and lounging around the house all day can't exactly be beneficial to his health.

Harry would notice the increased circles and darker shades of blue under his eyes in the morning.

"Why didn't you wake me up?" He would always insist, "You know that I'd stay up with you." But Louis knew that he couldn't because he has a job to maintain and Harry needs his rest.

Along with his racing thoughts that wouldn't shut off, came the urges. The impulse to self-harm is greater than it ever has been before. Louis has managed to rack up another two week clean streak, since his last appointment with his therapist. In fact, part of the reason why he can't sleep at night is due to the crawling and itching of his skin. It partially terrifies him that picking up a blade has such a big impact on him and he never realized how many tricks his mind managed to play with him until now.

This seems to be Louis' biggest dilemma tonight as he lays silently in bed, both of his hands tucked underneath his bottom to weigh them down. He's afraid if he let's them go, he will find himself doing something he'll later regret. So he stays in that same position, hoping and praying that the menacing demons will soon pass. The nagging reminder in the back his head remains, making him feel as if life isn't meant for him. He isn't sure if it's the lack of sleep creating a darker place within him, or if it's really been there all along.

"Lou?" Harry groggily mumbles in the midst of Louis trying to find a more comfortable position to lay in. He winces at the sound of his boyfriend's voice, cursing at himself for waking him up.

"Hmm?" He hums, hoping that Harry will go back to bed and leave him alone in his state of emptiness..

"What're you doing up?" Harry reaches for the light and turns it on, making both of them squint because of the brightness.

Louis frowns. "I dunno." He shrugs, trying not to seem like he's been awake for the last three hours. "I can't sleep."

"Again?" Harry questions, slowly regaining consciousness. He sits up and runs a hand through his untamed curly hair.

"Yeah." Louis nods, his voice hardly above a whisper. In the seconds that pass, Harry can tell that there's more going on inside of Louis' head than what he's willing to share. His eyes are trained on the blue tint of the wallpaper covering the room, the light shade of cotton candy. His hands remain hidden underneath the weight of his body as he bites his lip absentmindedly. Harry knows Louis and he knows that this isn't normal for him.

"Why can't you sleep, love?" Harry asks gently. Louis scans Harry's concerned features and wonders if it's worth telling him about the urges. Harry always assures him that Louis can tell him anything, but the smaller boy never likes opening up. This time though, Louis is tired of lying and decides to take him up on the much-used offer.

"I," Louis hangs his head in shame and whispers, "It's all I can think about, Harry." When Louis moves his arms and rests his hands in his lap, Harry understands the message that he's trying to convey. He looks up to Harry with water pooling into his dim green eyes as a quiet whimper fills the air.

Harry also finds a frown covering his lips. He can't stand to see Louis cry because it makes him want to as well.

"Let's get your mind somewhere else then, yeah?" Louis stays motionless in response. Harry throws the covers off of him and stands beside the bed, looking expectantly to Louis. "C'mon, get up."

"No, you have work tomorrow. Aren't you working an extra shift?" Louis deadpans as Harry sighs. He's been avoiding talking about work tomorrow because it worries him having to leave Louis alone for longer than normal.

"Don't worry about me, I told you I'd stay up with you." Harry says, taking a seat at the piano bench on the opposite side of their room. He pats the empty spot next to him, "Sit." Louis ventures out of bed and does as told, wondering what crazy idea Harry has this time.

"Play me a song." Harry requests, a timid smile breaking through his serious composure. Louis immediately shakes his head.

"M' not very good and-"

"We both know that's a lie. Please?" Harry interrupts when Louis starts to come up with excuses. He looks incredulously from the piano keys and back to Harry.

"You want me to sing?" Louis asks. Part of him would love to be able to just start singing right here in front of Harry, but the other part is too anxious.

"You don't have to." Harry comforts, "Just play a few chords, we can come up with something together." Louis can't stop the corners of his mouth from turning up into a slight grin as he watches Harry retrieve one of his journals and flip to an empty page.

Even though Louis is considered the music guru in the flat, Harry also knows his fair share of notes and progressions. Back in high school Harry dabbled with the guitar and he's also picked up a few things from Louis over the years. Writing and poetry are his strong suit, his number ones, but music will always hold a special place in his heart.

Harry watches in amusement as Louis suddenly finds the courage to glide his fingers across the heavy keys. Except, the sounds that fill the room are somber and gloomy, a collection of D minors and A flats. Although it's beautiful, it isn't exactly what Harry was hoping for.

He puts one of his hands on top of Louis' and stops him from playing.

"How about something like this." Harry suggests, before hitting a series of more uplifting chords. To his triumph, Louis smiles. He can practically feel the delicate boy's concerns fading away and he's glad that this distraction is working.

Their pitiful attempts at writing a song and creating a diversion for Louis lasts another three hours. By the time Louis is finally starting to feel his eyelids droop and stifles a yawn in the back of his throat, Harry only has about an hour until he has to start getting ready to leave for work. There's no sense in going back to bed now. He proceeds to sift through his journal and marvel at the melody him and Louis had created. It wasn't much and there weren't any lyrics written yet, but they finally settled on a simple tune of G and C majors with the occasional E minor for Louis' pleasure.

He never knew that this day would become a distant memory, the unfinished song later being a crumpled up piece of forgotten chords... Just like the rest of the contents in his journal. 

* * * * * *

Harry groans in frustration at the cheerful greeting of Niall's voicemail and mutters out a string of profanities as the rain splashes onto his phone. After fifteen minutes of refusing to call Niall for help, he finally broke down. It's way too far for him to walk home from here and he wouldn't even know where to begin. The only light he has is the dim screen of his partially shattered iphone 4, who's battery is draining at an alarming rate. To add, his head is pounding with an ache that's worse than any hangover could deliver.

An obnoxious beep rings in his ear, signaling for Harry to leave a message. "Niall," He chokes, not able to swallow the lump that's rising in his throat. "I'm down the road past the convenience store closest to the flat. I um- I know you're busy but I don't know what to do and I ran into Zayn and fuck- " He closes his eyes tightly as a defeated cry escapes his lips. "I-I just really need your help right now. Please call me back, I'm sorry." He pulls the phone away from his ear and ends the call with his hands that are still trembling with his mixed emotions. Harry stuffs his hands back into the pockets of his coat, suddenly not finding the energy to care about the bottles of alcohol that are left behind at Zayn's house. He drags his feet across the wet pavement of the sidewalk with every lagging step and angrily kicks a puddle that has come across his path. The numbing water seeps through the fabric of his shoe and he closes his eyes, liking the distraction that the coldness provides to his unsettling thoughts.

On the rare occasion that a car or truck passes him by, Harry can't help but welcome the blinding of the headlights and imagine what it would feel like to experience such pain. The concept of death is enticing to him and he frequently wonders if the agony of ending his life would finally kill the demons living inside his head as well.

If it isn't already obvious, yes, Harry has frequent thoughts of suicide.

Yes, during his darkest days he has developed multiple plans for what his suicide attempt could be.

Actually bringing the pills to his lips or running the blade across his skin is another story and Harry can never seem to follow through. Whether it's because Niall seems to have impeccable timing or if it's because his plans just aren't thought out enough; he doesn't know. It's discouraging to fail a suicide attempt because Harry thought that he failed at everything else, yet he couldn't even succeed in something as simple as ending his own life?

What's certain is that he isn't ready to leave yet and not succeeding is a sign. Something; someone is holding him back. And that someone is Louis. No matter how much suffering Harry has gone through, he will never be able to leave this world the same way that Louis has. The day that he lost Louis was life-altering and he can't help but feel like this day is too. If what Zayn said really is the truth, it changes everything Harry has come to know for last two years.

A car horn breaks him out of his state of contemplation and he nearly jumps out of his skin from the volume. He turns his head to the side to see a silver truck that's crawling beside Harry at the same pace he's proceeding to walk. His heart is still beating at an alarming rate and the anxiety of not knowing who is following him makes him want to cry even more. He's never seen that vehicle before and it certainly isn't Niall.

"Harry." He hears a muffled voice call from inside the truck as the driver rolls the passenger-side window down.

He stops, turning to the familiar face that has now come into view. "Liam?" What the hell are you doing here, Harry wanted to yell. Liam is the absolute last person he wants to see right now and rolls his eyes at Niall for leaving him here.

"Come on, get in." Liam states. Harry goes to shake his head but when his bottom lip starts trembling and more sobs threaten to wrack his unstable frame, he realizes that he's too weak to keep his guard up. He unwillingly climbs into the comfort of Liam's truck and keeps his lips pursed tightly together. silent tears fall down his face and his eyes sting from crying excessively, but he knows that he won't be able to stop for a long time.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Liam whispers while his gaze drifts over to Harry with worry. The truck is eerily quiet besides the drops of rain pelting the windshield. Harry mumbles an inaudible no in reply. He's hurt, confused, exhausted, and all he wants to do is lay in his room and hide himself away from the world.


	19. Chapter 19

Harry struggles to put the key in the lock of their flat as he tries to balance his journals and a bag of takeout on his right hip, along with a bouquet of roses on his left arm. Once inside, he lets go of everything and emits a disgruntled sigh as it lands on the counter with a quiet thud. He takes the flowers out of the wrapping and puts them into the petite vase sitting on the center of the table, no longer looking plain and empty.

He wasn't planning on doing anything too fancy because he's had a long day at work. He managed to ruffle through a few of the folders and piles of papers that had collected on his desk over the last few days, but it didn't make the seconds tick by any faster. The only thing that remained on his mind was Louis and what he's doing at the moment, how many naps he's taken today and what he's eaten- if anything. Whether he's typing a report for his boss, skimming over some paperwork, or taking his annual coffee break, Louis is always the center of Harry's attention.

Besides, he knows Louis has been dreading this day just as much as he has, so he figured a little date night between the two couldn't hurt. It's been a long time since they've gone out or had a proper night in and Harry thought this may bring a smile to Louis' lips. At least, he hoped it would.

It reminded him of the times when they were much younger, Harry would be the one to bring the takeout- preferably Chinese as Louis would request- over to Louis' home. It was their simple Friday night routine and once they got out of school and finished their homework, they would sit on the couch while watching some cheesy romance film. Although those days had their fair-share of struggles that were dealt to them, Harry misses it dearly and he's sure Louis does too.

"Harry? What's with all of this?" Louis says as he walks into the room, motioning to the flowers on the table and the Chinese sitting on the counter.

"I don't know," Harry shrugs, "I just wanted us to have a nice evening."

"How do you even remember this stuff?" Louis questions, a small smile now evident on his face. Harry wants to shake his head. He wonders how the smaller boy could be so clueless sometimes.

"How could I forget? Love, I think I should know your favorite type of flowers and takeout food by now." Harry replies, making the two laugh softly. Of course Harry knows those things. He knows how Louis is quieter than normal when he's sad. He knows how Louis only likes to be tickled on the sides of his tummy-not under his arms. He knows how Louis likes to be kissed on the left side of his neck the most, right under his perfectly sculpted cheek bone. He knows how Louis only loves the light yellow roses, or any other color that resembles a soft pastel because they're the most 'bright and happy' to look at. He knows how much Louis enjoys wearing the same pair of vans that he's had since high school, taking long walks on the beach when the sun is setting, and how he would rather be singing than doing anything else in this world- even if he's too afraid to admit it. He knows everything Louis has to offer and has it memorized as if his features were part of a dictionary, yet Harry would spend an eternity memorizing it all over again if he was given the chance.

"I guess you have a point, there." Louis agrees with nod.

The next hour passes by with ease and Harry is pleasantly surprised to see Louis laughing along with him. It reminds him of the old versions of themselves, always carefree and always making the best out of every situation. It's been a rough few weeks and maybe this date is the perfect way to put an end to it all.

By the time they're finished eating, Harry is bringing the dirtied plates to the sink. As he goes to wash his hands, though, something catches his eye. Sitting on the edge of the counter and hidden behind a few other bottles, is Louis' prescription of antidepressants. What's strikingly odd about it is how the bottle is almost completely empty. Harry had just gotten it refilled last week and unless the pharmacist counted the pills wrong, there should be two more weeks of doses left... Which doesn't seem to be the case.

He brushes it to the side and makes his way into the living area where Louis is now sitting. He can't jump to any conclusions and tries to remain calm. Pharmacies make mistakes all the time, right?

When he feels an arm being draped around his shoulder and pulling him closer to Louis' petite frame, it suddenly clicks. All the smiling, laughing, affection. It isn't like Louis.

There certainly was not a mistake.

"Love," Harry says, interrupting Louis as he starts to kiss the side of Harry's neck. He's unsure of how to approach the conversation, but knows he can't put it off. "Lou." Harry states with a bit more force.

"What?" He wonders, meeting Harry's gaze with precaution.

"How many pills have you taken this morning?" Harry cringes at the straightforwardness of the words that leave his mouth. The atmosphere of the room changes in an instant as Louis pulls away from Harry, his lips forming a thin line.

"I don't know, the usual." Louis shrugs. His tone is nervous and Harry can tell that he's lying.

"I uh, I saw the bottle on the counter." Harry announces softly, feeling a growing lump in his throat as he watches Louis' face fall. "You've been taking more than you should be, haven't you?"

It's silent for a few moments before Louis finally speaks. "I'm sorry."

"Why?" Harry asks, feeling just as defeated as Louis does. He's tired from working all day and staying up most of last night. He knows it won't be long until he loses his temper. Louis was doing so good, finally improving, but now they're both taking two giant steps backwards.

"I-I don't know. I didn't mean to, it's just so much harder than I thought." Louis frowns before whispering, "They're the only thing that take the pain away."

Harry feels his stomach drop and the only thing he can come up with asking is, "How many did you take?"

Louis shifts uncomfortably in his seat. "7? 8? I haven't been counting."

"Louis, you can't overdose like this, it's not healthy." Harry lectures, "Why didn't you talk to me when you felt the need to take more? God, sometimes it seems like you don't even want to get better."

"Can't you see that I'm trying?" Louis raises his voice as his patience begins to run thin. He doesn't mean to pick a fight, but his emotions have been all over the place and it slightly bothers him that Harry hasn't been around to notice. Neither of the boys have the tolerance to see the other's point of view and brewing tensions are starting to come undone.

"You know these things aren't easy for me to deal with and it takes time for me to open up. But it's kind of hard to find the time to talk to you when you always have your nose buried in your work." Louis doesn't realize what's coming out of his mouth until Harry is staring at him with a perplexed expression.

"Since when am I doing that? You've seen how many times I've called in sick for the last month just to stay home with you." Harry replies, trying desperately to calm his blood pressure that is increasing rapidly. He doesn't understand how Louis could even say something like that.

"I tell you all the time that you don't have to cancel, I'm fine by myself."

Harry scoffs, "Are you hearing yourself right now? You aren't making any sense. How do you expect me to know what you feel every second of the day, Louis? I understand that it takes time for you to open up and I'm willing to give you that chance, but bloody hell I think five years is enough!" The echo of Harry's words ring in Louis' ears and the twist of guilt that washes through his body is soon to follow. Harry's right, but regardless Louis won't admit it. His face falls into a pained scowl as he begins to let go of his own frustrations that have been boiling up inside of him.

"You act like everything is so fucking easy and all of my problems will be solved within days just by talking to someone. It doesn't work like that! I thought you, out of all people, understood that-."

"But you can't keep acting like its the end of the world. It will get you no-where in life!" Harry interrupts, "You need to at least try to be optimistic and have a better attitude towards things or else you're going to be like this forever. I'm trying to help you, Lou, but at the end of the day you're the only person that can get yourself out of this."

"Acting? You think this is an act?" Louis yells. He stands from his seat and sends Harry a glare before shaking his head. "Do you remember seeing me when I was crying in the stalls of the bathroom because I was too terrified of being called names and being beaten again? Do you remember the day you found me with me with a blade in my hand for the first time and blood coating my wrists because that was the only comfort I had? Or how about the time when I had that kni-"

"Of course I fucking remember!" Harry snaps, although inside Louis' words made his stomach clench. There's not a day that passes where he doesn't remember those things and it hurts that Louis thinks he could ever forget. "You can't keep bringing this shit up and re-living it. You need to move on already and grow up. We're out of high school and there's nobody here to bully you anymore. Maybe finding a job at this point would help you get over these things, I don't know. But if you expect me to continue taking all of this time off to mend your broken heart, we're not going to be able to afford to live here anymore. I know you've got problems, but It's not all about you." Silence hangs heavy in the air between them as Louis' mouth drops open with shock. Both of their faces are flushed red with anger and sorrow.

It only takes a matter of seconds for Harry to realize what he has said, but it's too late now. Nothing will be able to make Louis forget the hurtful phrases he thought would never come out of his boyfriend's mouth, the only person he used to be able to trust.

* * * * * * 

"Sometimes this register can be a bit tricky, but if you play around with the buttons a few times," Niall explains, demonstrating to the best of his ability. "You'll get the hang of it." 

"Alright." The new employee states with a vague smile.

He likes to be called Ed and he applied for the job last week. Niall will say, he was a bit intimidated by the older lad the first time he saw him and had no idea what to expect. He's an average sized guy, with chubby cheeks and vibrant orange hair. Tattoos coat his arms in an assortment of patterns, needless to say he didn't seem like someone who would apply for a job at a diner. But the more Niall talks with him, he finds that he's starting to get to know Ed pretty well. They both dislike people who are inconsiderate and enjoy going out for a pint every once in a while... It's a start, at least.

Niall peers out from behind the counter to take a look at the customers and heaves a sigh of exhaustion. The diner is unusually busy due to a large influx of teenagers who came from a local music festival that was being held a short distance up the road. Niall and Liam have been running around the place all night, while Ed desperately tries to take in all of the information that Niall spews at him inbetween serving customers. Although it's not the best night to be training him, Niall has to admit that Ed is a hard worker and he'll be a great fit for the job. 

He was worried about how it would go with Harry, but his boss made it clear that the four employees hired couldn't keep up and it was mandatory for him to train the new guy. When he sat Harry down and lectured him for a full hour before his double shift began, he was convinced that the younger boy was listening. He made him promise to keep his phone on for once in case something happened. He also made him promise that he wouldn't leave the flat, or manage to find alcohol like he always does. Maybe Niall was being overprotective, but he knows how Harry gets when he's alone and having him agree to all of his silly rules makes him feel a little bit calmer.

So at quarter to one in the morning, when he feels a vibration in his back pocket and pulls his phone out to see Harry's name flashing upon the screen, he instantly can tell that there's a problem.

"Do you think you could take care of that table over there?" Niall says to Ed, while pointing at table number five. "I've gotta take this." Ed nods and goes to give the customers their bill, before Niall hurriedly makes his way to the back room of the diner that's hidden from the public.

He sees that Harry has left a voicemail, a voicemail, and he knows that it isn't going to be a good one. Harry's voice is distraught and hysterical on the other line and Niall can barely understand what he's saying. The service is going in and out, the only sounds he can distinctly hear are faint cries.

"Shit." Niall curses and runs a hand through his blonde hair in distress. What is he supposed to do now? He can't leave Harry stranded out in the rain, but he can't risk losing the only source of income that's supporting the two of them either. Liam seems to notice his apprehensive demeanor as he waltzes through the back to find another roll of receipt paper for the register, the previous one already used up. Their eyes meet briefly, Liam furrowing his brow at the phone in Niall's hand before pausing.

"Everything alright?" He wonders quizzically.

"I don't know." Niall huffs, he's tired and wishes he didn't have to deal with work right now. "Harry called and you know he never does that unless something's going on. But my job is riding on training Ed and working a double and I don't know if I can risk leaving in the middle of my shift this time." The words fall out of his mouth in a jumbled breath and he'd be surprised if Liam caught a single bit of it.

"Wow, mate." Liam says, he can tell how upset Niall is. "Calm down, yeah? I'm sure you'll figure it out."

"I just don't know what to do. He said he ran into Zayn and he was crying and what if something happened? I can't be a shit friend and just leave him there-"

"Niall," Liam interrupts, trying to get a hold of the lad. "If you really think that he's in danger, I can go get him if you want. I haven't been taking nearly as much time off as you have and I think I could get away with leaving early this once. Besides, Ed seems to be doing just fine over there on his own."

"I guess you're right," Niall finally says, "The crowd is dying down anyways... Are you sure you wouldn't mind?"

Liam shakes his head, a gentle smile playing at his lips. "Not at all. He's my friend now too, you know. Even if he doesn't realize it yet."


	20. Chapter 20

Louis is dashing out of the room and grabbing his jacket out of the kitchen before Harry has the chance to say anything. He knows Louis is angry and he doesn't blame the smaller boy one bit, he's angry at himself too.

"Where are you going?" Harry asks. His voice is much quieter now as he stands in the hallway, watching Louis slip his dark green coat on.

Louis scoffs in a mocking tone, "It's all about me, isn't it?"

"Louis, I didn't mean it, I-" Harry tries to apologize, but is soon interrupted.

"Whatever." Louis snaps. He fails to hide his trembling lip and gets even more frustrated as his eyes start to water. It isn't the words that Harry yelled that's making him upset, he's heard those same things numerous times from other people. It's the simple fact that Harry himself had said them straight to Louis' face. The feeling was indescribable, like a band-aid being ripped off a dozen times in a row. Harry was Louis' bandage and he was supposed to help hold all of the broken pieces in place. But now that band-aid has been removed and Louis has nothing to hold himself together with anymore.

"You can't leave." Harry says pleadingly, "You haven't left the flat in months, Lou it's not safe for you to drive and-" He starts to panic as Louis ignores his protests and rolls his eyes. He zips up his jacket in one swift motion and turns towards the door. Harry is faster than he is though, as he catches up to Louis and tries to grab onto his dainty wrist.

Louis shakes his hand away and out of Harry's reach. "Don't fucking come near me." He seethes, the sudden outburst making the both of them jump. His face softens and Harry sees the tears that he's trying to hold back while Louis looks up at him.

"I just- I can't believe you said those things to me," He whispers in defeat, his voice breaking with every word."H-how could you?"

"I didn't mean any of it. Love, I swear, I wasn't thinking- Fuck, Louis don't leave! I'm such an idiot and I know I screwed up. I'm sorry alright?" But Louis already has his hand on the door-knob, car keys in his hand, and his mind made up. He needs to get away for a bit and clear his head. Of course he still loves Harry, but he just can't be around him right now after what he said. Louis needs to take a break.

"Me too." He mumbles under his breath, before letting the crisp autumn air hit his face. Once he's seated in his car, he doesn't bother holding himself together anymore. The yelling and venomous words exchanged between the two plays over and over again in his head, reminding him that he never really did deserve someone like Harry and that it was only a matter of time before Harry realized how worthless Louis actually is to him. But Louis couldn't have been more wrong.

Harry watches in agony as the door slams shut and Louis disappears. He shakes his head and hits his fist into the wooden table as he regrets everything that has happened throughout the course of the night. The impact of the punch causes a stinging sensation that pulses through his hand and wrist, causing him to hiss in pain. He wonders how he could've been so mindless to say those things to Louis when not a single word was true.

In the midst of getting lost in his thoughts and trying to forget about the ache that now occupies the lower half of his arm, Harry finds himself admiring the flowers that were set upon the table just hours earlier. They look drained, weary, and somber. Even though they are sitting in water and their soft yellow pastel color still remains, underneath they are slowly shriveling up. It is common knowledge that once flowers are cut off from their branches, it's only a matter of time before they dry up. It's sad really, these beautiful pieces of art are taken away from their natural environment just to please others and have a shorter life because of it.

The roses that are beginning to die resemble how Louis is feeling inside. They were once so lively, bright, and filled with life. As time goes on, they age and become delicately frail. They get to a point where petals and leaves are falling off every single day and you can't touch the flower without it crumbling in your hands. It's as if the roses were left in the middle of a drought, where the brutal sun sucks every bit of water that is left out of them.

Eventually, there is nothing left.

* * * * * *

Liam follows awkwardly behind Harry as they trudge up the steps to the flat. He knows Harry obviously doesn't want to be anywhere near him right now, but the younger boy is far from okay and Liam now realizes why Niall is always worried about him. Harry hasn't said a single word and Liam is trying his best to give him some space.

"I-um," Harry breaks the silence that has shifted between the two. He sheepishly turns to face Liam as they stand outside of the door. "I don't have a key."

"I've got it." Liam says and steps forward with the key that Niall gave him. Harry pushes past him almost immediately once the door is open and Liam lets out a quiet sigh. While Harry goes off into another room, Liam goes the opposite way into the kitchen and calls Niall (as he was told to do).

"How is he?" Niall breathes, picking up on the first ring.

"Relax, mate." Liam reminds his friend before answering, "We're at the flat."

"Do you know what happened?"

"Honestly, I have no idea. I tried asking him a couple of times, but I don't know- he cried the whole drive back." Liam says quietly. He listens to the faint talking in the background, which sounds like Ed, and waits patiently for Niall to respond.

"...Do you think I should come home?" He wonders. Liam can tell that he's close to tears from not being able to make up his mind and regret from not going to get Harry himself.

"I mean-maybe? He just looks so... broken, I don't know, Niall. I can stay with him for a few more hours though, until you get back." Liam stumbles over his words, not knowing what the right thing to say is.

"Never mind, I'll be there in twenty minutes." Niall states with a sigh before the line goes dead. Liam ached for both of the boys. They each have such different struggles and Liam wished there was some way he could make Harry and Niall's lives easier.

"You don't have to stay here, you know." Harry replies bitterly from the living area, clearly hearing all of Liam's previous conversation with Niall. He tiredly plops down onto the couch, not bothering to change out of his clothes that are still wet from the rain. Liam saunters into the room and sits down beside him with caution, knowing that Harry will probably start yelling at him any second.

"I know." Liam answers with a frown. "Are you alright?"

"No."

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" He asks again.

"You wouldn't understand." Harry mumbles, getting annoyed with all of Liam's questions. "You don't know what it's like to feel rejected by everyone around you. You don't know what it's like to be depressed every single day of your life and lose the only person that you love to suicide. You don't know what it's like to rather be dead instead of living. So why the hell are you pretending to?" Liam is taken back by Harry's accusations and stays silent.

"Harry," Liam finally speaks, alarmed as the younger boy starts crying. "I know you're upset right now, but I want you to listen to me alright?" Harry nods.

"Do you trust me?" The question rolls off of Liam's lips, leaving Harry unsure of how to answer. Did he trust Liam? It wasn't Harry's intention to lash out at him, it's just what automatically happens when he's upset. He says things that he doesn't actually mean and later hates himself for it. He can't deny that he does feel more comfortable around Liam and Liam hasn't run away yet like everyone else has.

"I guess." Harry replies, giving Liam a slight sense of accomplishment.

"I trust you as well. Now I'm going to tell you something, it's something that I haven't shared with many people and it's not exactly easy for me to talk about." Liam confesses, meeting Harry's gaze with a look of honesty. "But I think you have a right to know."

"...Okay?" Harry says in a monotone. He doesn't want to hear anymore confessions that may have an impact on his personal life and he hopes that whatever Liam is about to say, has nothing to do with him.

"Alright, um-" Liam starts, moving his hands around nervously in his lap. "Back when you and ...Louis first started hanging out, I was having a lot of problems with my family accepting who I was- my dad, mostly. He would tell me that I was delusional and that nobody would ever take me seriously. He always had these repulsive sayings and stupid remarks and eventually, I started believing he was right. School was the one place where I could be anyone I wanted. So I-I thought that if I created this fake image, I would forget about everything else. God, I was so fucking messed up." Harry watches Liam as he hangs his head in shame, listening to every word.

"I ended up taking my frustration out on everyone around me, people that didn't even know who I was, because I was too scared to accept myself." Liam stares down at his hands while he talks, feeling nothing but guilt. "I moved out two years ago after high-school and I tried to forget everything that happened over those 4 years. I haven't talked to my dad since and he refuses to accept that I'm gay." Harry doesn't reply, not really knowing what to say at this point. Liam offers him a sad smile, before shrugging.

"Look, I decided to tell you this because I know what it's like to lose yourself. I haven't gone through nearly as much as you have, Harry. And I hope you know that I truly do regret everything that has happened back then. That was not and never will be who I really am. I don't know what happened tonight, but if you ever want to talk to me, I've been through more than you think I have. And I can tell you that it does get better, mate. I mean that."


	21. Chapter 21

10:58 pm

11:16 pm

12:47 am

Harry pulls out his phone every five minutes while he continues to pace back and forth, watching as night turns into morning. A wave of anxiety washes over him each time he notices that the clock is nearing the next hour and there still isn't a single text message or phone call from Louis. He feels slightly guilty for being so paranoid, but there's something about this whole situation that makes him restless.

They've had plenty of fights before over simple things that went wrong and there have been many nights where Louis would take a drive just to clear his head. But no matter how bad it got, there would always be a text or a voicemail waiting shortly after. Louis has rarely left Harry without an explanation and it only fuels his guilt more. This is all Harry's fault. If he hadn't opened his mouth about those pills, Louis would be laying next to him, safe and sound.

He can only imagine Louis driving somewhere hours away, completely fed up with Harry and life itself. He can envision the way Louis would grip the steering wheel tighter as hundreds of unwanted memories surfaced. He can picture the boy mumbling small phrases to himself while he tried to get himself to stop crying and how his mind is probably clouded with confusion, anger, and sadness. Harry knows that he didn't take those harsh words lightly. He saw the way his face dropped to the floor and how the color instantly drained from his blotchy red cheeks. Louis was hurting.

After checking his phone for around the 25th time tonight, Harry heaves a sigh of discontent and finds himself scrolling through his list of contacts. If he wasn't going to hear Louis' voice, he needed to hear someone else that would calm him down. His first instinct was to call his mum, but the last thing Harry wanted to do was wake her up at two in the morning just to start crying about all of the problems that are his fault. So, his second and only other option was to call Niall, his long-time family friend.

Niall is the type of lad who prefers to stay out all night partying, just to spend the next day sleeping. Harry's known him for years and he's one of the few people he trusts with a lot of things. Although they aren't the pair of friends who talk every day, if one of them needs advice, the other always seems to be there.

"Harry?" The younger boy is surprised to hear Niall picking up on nearly the last ring, his voice groggy and rough from being woken up. He instantly feels another pang of guilt for disrupting his friend. "What're you doing up?"

"Sorry," Harry simply replies, "I didn't mean to wake you."

"No, it's fine... Is everything alright, mate?"

Harry frowns as he hears Niall shuffling, most likely getting out of bed. He stays quiet, suddenly regretting the urge to tell him about everything. Is it even worth it at this point?

"Yeah. I'm alright." He finally states, afraid to say more because he knows he's going to start crying at any moment.

Niall's response comes immediately, "Harry, you're obviously not okay. You can tell me anything, you know that, don't you?"

"Yeah."

"Is it Louis?" The older boy attempts to ask after a brief moment of silence. Niall knows a little bit about the struggles that Louis has gone through and there's been many nights where Harry would call him when he had nobody else. He nods his head, even though he knows that Niall can't see. His eyes are pooling with tears once again and he feels childish for crying so much.

"Mhm." Harry utters shakily, not finding the words to form a complete answer.

"Do you want to come over and talk about it instead?"

"Uh," Harry hesitates, glancing at the empty space on the couch next to him and his phone that didn't have a single missed call. "I guess." He mumbles. "I'll see you in a bit."

-

Running on nothing but nerves and adrenaline, Harry manages to make it to Niall's house in northern London within record time. The drive was boring and the only way he could stay awake the whole ride was by blasting the radio. He supposed it helped take his mind off of everything for the time being and he now fully understands why Louis loves to go for long drives.

"Are you sure you don't want a drink?" Niall asks, once they are seated in the kitchen. Harry's gaze lingers on the bottle clutched in Niall's hand before shaking his head.

"No. I can't right now."

There's a subtle pause in their conversation and Niall dares to approach the topic. "So, you two got in a fight?"

Harry nods. He proceeds to tell the older boy everything that happened, cringing in disgust with himself when he recited the words that were exchanged between him and Louis. Niall doesn't do much except listen carefully. He offers simple phrases of encouragement and nods his head respectively when Harry needs it the most. Harry couldn't find the energy in him to cry, even though he wanted to more than anything else.

"Maybe he just needs some time alone, you know, to cool off for a bit." Niall shrugs before stating, "All couples have bad fights, Harry, no matter how close they are. Give him some time. You know he loves you. If you don't hear from him tonight, I'm sure he'll be calling you tomorrow or even waiting for you at the flat. I wouldn't lose your head over it, alright? We all make mistakes."

"Yeah," Harry answers in a defeated tone. "I guess you have a point. Thanks for letting me come over."

The older boy smiles kindly. "Anytime, mate. I'm always here for you."

Harry could only hope that Niall was right.

* * * * * * 

Harry used to think he knew what it felt like to be deserted. He used to assume that he was used to the constant feeling of being lost and not knowing what to do with his life anymore. But words couldn't describe the extent of his emotions over the past three days.

He was trying to make every day pass by as fast as possible and simply went through the motions that would keep him alive. Drinking was the only thing that would put him to sleep, ending all of his racing thoughts. He knew that his current actions and new-found routine was being detrimental to his health, but Harry would be lying if he said that he cared.

Niall's worried about Harry, even more so now than ever before. They stayed up late that night after Liam left, while Niall attempted to pry the information about what happened out of the seemingly broken boy. Harry was a mess after explaining everything about Zayn and it made Niall exhausted just by listening to all of it. He's only met Zayn once and even then, he subconsciously felt wary around him. Regardless, even though neither of them didn't know the whole story and most likely never would, Niall knew this was going to take a toll on Harry. How could news like that not?

"You can love someone else." Niall states quietly, while taking in Harry's miserable appearance. He sits next to Niall on the couch, multiple bottles of alcohol scattered around the coffee table. "You don't have to live like this!"

"Whatever." He mumbles under his breath, making it near impossible for Niall to understand him.

"There's a whole world out there and you're just sitting here all alone! Don't you want to do something with your life? Don't you want to travel and see places other than this dark, old flat? You have to stop living in the past." Niall lectures, desperately trying to get through to Harry. "You don't believe me, but someday you will find a guy that makes you just as happy as Louis once did. You will. But you've got to get yourself out there, mate." His voice slightly cracks and he does his best not to cry. It hurts him more than anything to see his best friend in so much pain.

"Don't you get it? I don't want to find anyone else." Harry hisses, not caring that Niall is already close to tears. "Nobody will ever replace him, Niall. Not today. Not tomorrow. Never. There will never be another Louis."

Niall doesn't know where to go from here or what else he can do except offer his support that is practically useless to Harry. He doesn't want the younger boy to fall back into a deeper depression than he already was before. He's seen Harry at his worst and he doesn't want to go through it again. When Harry is miserable so is he.

"I'm sorry." Niall frowns, not knowing what else to say. He pulls the younger boy into a tight embrace. "We're gonna get through this. It's gonna be alright." Niall isn't sure who he's trying to convince more in these moments, Harry or himself. The younger boy's tears are starting to create a spot on his t-shirt and Niall is doing his best not to join in. Watching Harry, who's like a brother to him, cry is his biggest weakness.

"Nothing is alright anymore, Niall." Harry whispers while he chokes back a sob, his breath tainted with the heavy smell of alcohol. "I hate being here."

The brutally honest remark adds a sense of tension to the room that is already filled thick with sadness. It makes Niall wince and his stomach sink, desperately wishing for the words that left Harry's mouth to be an illusion. He knew they weren't though, when he meets his friend's despondent gaze with one of caution.

"Harry," Niall begins softly, while shaking his head. "Don't say shit like that. You're here for a reason and you know it." The younger boy pulls away from Niall's solicitous hold and scoots farther away. With an almost inaudible sniffle, he brings his knees up to his chest.

"But it's the truth." Harry shrugs, his voice raspy while he stares off into the corner of the dark room. Neither of them speak after that, both getting lost in their never ending train of thought. Harry ignores the heartbroken expression on Niall's face. Of course he wishes he could stop living in the past. But he can't. The past is living in him.


	22. Chapter 22

Harry is alarmed when he wakes up two hours later to the unfamiliar surrounding of Niall's living area. He furrows his brow in the darkness of the room, a wave of uncertainty washing over him as he feels for his phone that's violently buzzing by his side. He doesn't think twice before answering, knowing that there's only one person it could be. 

"Louis?" He feels slightly relieved at the sound of breathing coming from the other line, happy that Louis stayed true to his virtue and eventually called like he always does. His sense of reassurance is short lived though, when he realizes that the short breaths he heard have now turned into sobs. Harry runs a hand through his tangled hair and props himself up on the couch, feeling his stomach twist with nerves.

"Love, it's alright. Take deep breaths. I'm here." Harry instructs, trying not to listen to the depleting cries escaping Louis' mouth or else he'll start crying too.

"I-" Louis tries to talk, but struggles immensely. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten mad at you and said those things. I didn't mean to leave the flat like that, I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I'm sorry."

"I'm the one who lost my temper with you. It's my fault as well."

"But you were just stating the truth. I know that I'm selfish and I know that I only think about myself. I don't deserve having someone like you as my boyfriend, I never did. And I-"

"Stop that. What's gotten into you?" Harry questions, keeping his tone quiet and tranquil. His lips form a thin line of concentration as he tries to pick apart Louis' words between his sniffles. It's evident that Louis has been drinking due to his gentle slurs and the fact that he simply doesn't sound like himself. His phrases aren't rushed and angry like Harry thought they would be, instead they are relaxed and eerily calm.

"I just wanted to hear your voice again." He whispers, completely missing Harry's statement. Louis holds the phone up to his ear with his right hand that's slightly trembling while tears fluidly cascade down his cheeks. He swallows thickly and closes his eyes, focusing on the sound of Harry's voice.

"I've been waiting for you to call all night." Harry replies. He's standing from the couch and swiftly making his way into Niall's kitchen where he had previously left his belongings. He's thoroughly confused and more than a little bit worried at this point. Louis isn't making sense. "Are you at the flat?"

"...Lou, are you at home? Where are you?" He repeats with authority when the line goes silent on Louis' side of the call. Harry is wide awake now, flipping the lights on throughout Niall's flat, bumping into a few things along the way, while simultaneously trying to find his boots. He grabs them with a huff and starts pulling them on, not wasting a single second.

"I'm um- I'm at home, yeah."

Harry lets a quiet breath escape through his parted lips, thankful that Louis is still there. Within the sudden chaos that has erupted, Niall emerges from his bedroom with a worried expression. His eyes drift from the cell phone clutched tightly in Harry's hand to the way Harry is frantically striding to the other side of the kitchen to grab his jacket. They share a rushed glance, Harry quickly shaking his head as if to say I have no idea what's happening. Before Niall can open his mouth, Harry is speaking firmly.

"I'm on my way right now, it's going to be about forty-five minutes. Stay on the phone, keep talking, alright?"

"I don't know, Harry. I've gotta go." Louis mutters, making Harry's eyes go wide. He knows something is terribly wrong and doesn't want to think about the possible thoughts swirling through Louis' mind.

"Lou, listen to me right now," Harry demands, "You need to stay on the phone, love. I'm going to talk to you the whole drive until I get there. Do you understand?"

"I," Louis sighs in frustration. Harry can hear his cries and he clenches his jaw tightly, doing whatever is humanly possible not to have a panic attack. He sifts his hand through his hair once again, waiting for Louis to continue.

"I'm sorry, Harry. I love you."

"Louis, don't you dare hang up... Hello?... God damn it Louis, please!" Harry's voice grows louder with every passing second. "Fuck." He curses at the tone that goes off in his ear, signaling that Louis has ended the call. He stares down at the screen of his phone and anxiously calls Louis back, only to be met with his voicemail. Harry's chest moves up and down heavily as he tries to catch his breath.

"C'mon, pick up." Harry pleads, proceeding to call the same number over and over again. Louis' phone is shut off.

"What's going on?" Niall wonders, the words automatically flying out of his mouth. He stands across from Harry who's rattling off a variety of profanities while he tries to find his car keys.

"He won't answer my fucking calls." He says, voice wavering. Phone still glued to his ear, he picks up his keys that he finally located on the edge of the counter and nearly sprints to the front door.

"Hey, be careful, alright?" Niall states loudly to Harry as he throws the door open and attempts to pull his jacket on at the same time. He's put two and two together and he obviously knows this has everything to do with Louis. Harry gives him a quick nod before disappearing all together and it's not long until he's starting up the engine on his worn out vehicle.

Harry has to force himself to put his phone down on the passenger seat and chooses to block everything out by blasting the radio to the same extent as the drive up here. His knuckles turn white against the black leather of the steering wheel, withholding a tight grip being the only way to stop the shaking of his hands. He refuses to let his mind wander while he drives, avoiding any and every thought pertaining to Louis. Because he knows what that phone call meant, it's happened before, and there are only three possible outcomes.

Only one of the outcomes happens to be the one Harry wants to walk into. 

* * * * * * 

"Are you sure you're feeling alright, mate?-"

"I'm fine." Harry sighs before wrapping his hands around the frosted glass of his beer. He thought about listening to Niall's advice this time about going out instead of sulking around at home. It's been a week since he had that run-in with Zayn and he's still shaken up about the whole thing. Niall has also called into work, claiming that he simply wanted some time off for himself. But Harry knew that was a lie and that the older lad still didn't trust him alone.

Niall had decided to bring Harry to one of the local pubs, figuring it'd probably be a good idea for the both of them if they got some fresh air. The place they ended up going to was small with a fair amount of people that Harry could actually handle being around without having anxiety. Muffled chatter sifted through the air, making the atmosphere comfortable.

"Maybe you should switch to water instead, you've had quite a bit to drink tonight." Niall states, watching as Harry brings the beer to his lips and downs the rest of the alcohol. He shrugs before placing the now empty glass onto the counter in front of him. 

"Just one more." Harry slurs, nodding in the direction of the bartender who asks if he wants another drink. Niall rolls his eyes, but doesn't say anything further. He knew from the beginning that he was giving Harry the opportunity to get drunk tonight. "Niall, what the hell is he doing here?"

The older boy furrows his brow and follows Harry's fixed gaze towards the entrance of the pub. He could faintly distinguish the figure of a person who looked somewhat familiar, his black leather jacket and boots to match making the man's appearance seem bold. There's only one name that came to his mind and judging by Harry's sad and slightly pissed off reaction, Niall knows exactly who it is.

"Is that Liam?" Harry wonders aloud, shooting Niall a look of bewilderment. The two watch in silence as Liam comes into full-view, chatting briefly with Zayn before the pair part ways. Zayn saunters off to the opposite side of the pub and Liam makes his way towards Harry, the two exchanging awkward glances while Harry struggles to comprehend what he just saw. His relaxed and peaceful mood has now vanished, being replaced by a wave of uncertainty and agitation.

"Hey, didn't think I'd see you here." Liam greets with a wary tone as he appears at Harry's side, looking between Harry and Niall with a small smile. "Mind if I join?" He gestures to the empty seat beside Harry, who plainly shakes his head.

"How's work going?" Niall decides to strike up conversation, letting out a quiet chuckle as Liam exhales heavily.

"It's good, yeah. Ed's fitting in quite well, he really likes the job." Liam replies, "I'm not gonna lie though, it is a bit stressful without you around."

Although Harry is far from sober and has trouble retaining information in his drunken state, he begins to wonder if he imagined Liam and Zayn talking. Niall seems to have forgotten and Liam certainly isn't addressing the topic as the two proceed to laugh carelessly about all of the drama Niall's missed at the diner over the past week. Harry sits silently between them and welcomes the bartender when he places another drink within his reach.

"So uh- Harry, there's something I need to talk to you about." Liam catches the younger boy's attention. His voice is lower and he's now facing Harry, the corners of his mouth turning to a frown. Liam nervously fiddles with his hands that are sitting in his lap, unsure of how to approach the topic. But he knows that he can't continue to put it off and risk hurting Harry or himself even more than he already has.

"I'm assuming you saw Zayn and I earlier?"

"I-" Harry's expression changes instantaneously at the mention of Zayn, his mouth falling open and eyes turning cold. It takes a moment for him to collect a response, his lips moving and words failing to come out. "You know him?"

Liam nods with regret before whispering, "He's my boyfriend."

The air remains still after that. Niall, who sits uncomfortably beside the pair and has involuntarily heard every word of their conversation, continues to stir the ice cubes in his water around with his straw. Somewhere along the lines after Liam arrived, he could feel himself getting a faint buzz from the alcohol and ordered a water instead. One of them has to drive home tonight and god knows it won't be Harry.

The younger boy clenches his jaw and simply states, "How long?"

"About three weeks." Liam confesses, casting his eyes to the other side of the bar to avoid Harry's glare. "Please, let me explain Harry-"

"You knew this whole time?" He deadpans, staring at Liam with nothing but abandonment.

"I-" Liam tries to speak, but Harry is quick to interrupt.

"You knew this whole fucking time?!" He questions loudly, making a few people nearby turn their heads towards the commotion. Niall presses a hand to his forehead, rubbing gently while he mentally debates what to do. He has a feeling this is only going to escalate from here and causing a scene at the bar is the last thing any of them need right now.

Harry makes an attempt to stand from his chair, failing horribly in the process and stumbling over his feet. He grabs Niall's arm for support, letting out a sigh of frustration before mumbling, "I want to go home."

"Harry I've had a few drinks myself and you're certainly not capable of driving, just sit it out for a few more minutes alright? You need to calm down." Niall replies, glancing over to Liam. "Mate, maybe you should go, yeah?"

"Can I just explain myself?" Liam asks. Niall nods skeptically because even if Harry doesn't want to listen, Niall has the right to know. He's still Liam's friend and doesn't want to put himself in the middle of whatever is going on between him and Harry.

"When we first started dating, Zayn told me what happened with Louis. He had been planning on telling you, Harry, for quite some time but he didn't know where to find you or where he would even begin. When I was at work, Zayn sent me a text saying that he had run into you and he was finally going to tell you everything. And when Niall was stressing out and couldn't pick you up, I figured I should. I knew what was happening before you did and I felt that it would only be fair if I was the one to help pick up the pieces. Listen Harry, I know what I did was wrong and I know you hate Zayn for what he did, but he's a great person and you know that he didn't do it on purpose. I didn't mean to lie to you-"

"Bullshit," Harry yells, "You lied to me the whole damn time! You pretended to not even know who Zayn was and-"

"You don't understand, if I told you I knew him you never would have spoken to me again and you know it!"

"And finding out this way is any different?" Harry shakes his head, ignoring the multiple stares and growing silence from people throughout the pub. "What about the whole I've been through struggles too, things get better speech? Was that your harrowing attempt at making me feel sorry for you?"

"No," Tears collect in Liam's eyes, "I didn't-"

"You lied to me about everything!-"

"Harry," Niall interrupts sternly, putting a hand on the boy's shoulder. The two have gathered the attention of almost all of the people in the room by now, but both Liam and Harry are oblivious. Niall's gesture to soothe the younger boy is pushed aside with ease as Harry continues to yell.

"I trusted you. But you haven't changed at all! This was your plan all along, wasn't it? To see how pathetic I was, to see if you could treat me the same way you treated Louis."

"Harry, that's enough!" Niall yells, throwing some money for their drinks down onto the counter. He stands from his chair and grabs the boy's arm, giving him a slight tug towards the door. He's had enough of listening to his friends' fighting and judging by the look the bartender is giving them, he has too. Harry, surprisingly, follows Niall and lets him pull him away, muttering a string of apologizes under his breath while they walk towards the car.

"I'm sorry I ruin everything." Harry suddenly states once their outside, his tone quiet and broken. He sniffles while he looks down and despite his best efforts, Niall knows Harry is crying. Niall takes his keys out of his pocket, shaking his head slowly.

"You don't ruin everything. You have a right to feel the way that you do."

"Are you mad at me?"

"No."

The two get into the car and Niall starts driving in silence. At one point, he assumes Harry has fallen asleep until his raspy voice fills the air.

"Thank you." He says as he looks down at the cuff of his jacket, running his fingers along the black thread that has begun to fray.

"For what?" Niall laughs. He isn't sure whether it's the remains of the alcohol still circulating through his system or if he's just simply exhausted, but the statement seems foreign coming from Harry's lips. He shrugs.

"I don't say it enough, I wouldn't have anything without you." Harry pauses, before looking over to him with glossy eyes. "You're a good friend, Niall."


	23. Chapter 23

By the time Harry reaches the flat at roughly four in the morning, he's running up the front steps and unlocking the door faster than his mind can process what is actually happening. He hadn't allowed his mind to wander with the countless scenarios of what could go wrong, but now the possibilities are consuming his thoughts.

He's met with darkness as he steps into the kitchen, squinting while he makes his way to the table and tosses his car keys down. He takes a deep breath, slowly inhaling and exhaling, in an attempt to slow his pulse and gain control of his trembling hands.

"Louis? Love, I'm home." Harry calls, only to be met with an unexpected silence. The air surrounding him feels heavy and dense, like an inconsistent fog that has yet to be lifted. Something feels different this time when Harry flips the light on before making his way to their bedroom. The television in the living area is shut off and it doesn't look like it has been touched in the last twenty-four hours. There's no soft chimes and clicks of the heavy piano keys filling the flat, and there certainly isn't Louis' soft voice trailing quietly behind while he hums his favorite song. The only sound Harry can distinguish is the thudding of his boots against the wooden floor and the deafening beat of his heart that pounds loudly in his ears.

He tries to convince himself that Louis has fallen asleep because it's the only reasonable option left. Louis must have been exhausted after crying his eyes out on the phone with Harry and he eventually couldn't fight it anymore. He probably curled up into a little ball while laying on his right side, bringing the covers up to his chin just like he always did when Harry wasn't home to cuddle with him. He didn't have the energy and was too drunk to turn any of the lights on when he got home and when Harry opens the door to their room, he'll be greeted with a sleeping Louis.

Except, that's not what happens.

When Harry opens the door and sees that Louis is not laying in bed and doesn't seem to be in the room at all for that matter, he starts to panic. His eyes instantly land on Louis' cell phone laying beside a small white envelope on the bed that has Harry's name written neatly across the front. This is when Harry comes to the petrifying realization that this isn't normal and that letter shouldn't be sitting there.

"Louis?" Harry calls again, not bothering to hide the shakiness and pure fright in his voice. He rushes to the door of the bathroom connected to their bedroom, running his fingers along the top of the door frame until they land upon the spare key. Still hearing nothing but silence, he doesn't think twice before jamming the key into the lock and opening the door.

Nothing could've prepared him for what he sees inside. A stifled gasp escapes his slightly parted lips while he brings a hand to his mouth in shock. His eyes drift cautiously from the familiar bottle of antidepressants and small amount of blood that has collected, to the body of his unresponsive boyfriend laying on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor.

"Lou," Harry finally finds the courage to whisper. Tears pool into his eyes and his hammering heart plummets at the sight. With his breaths coming out in uneven puffs, Harry kneels beside Louis and gently brushes his fingertips over the paled boy's face. His bottom lip trembles while he lets his touch linger, moving his fingers under Louis' chin. They rest upon his pulse and Harry screws his eyes shut, counting down the seconds in his head and praying to god that he's having some kind of a nightmare.

Harry isn't one to pray often and frequently wonders if it would really make much of a difference in his personal life. But as the seconds without feeling Louis' pulse proceed to increase and his whole body continues to shake with the undeniable fear of losing the one person in his life that means the most to him, he prays with everything he has left in him. He begs for some kind of miracle that will make Louis okay and rid him of the fresh wounds littering his right arm. He desperately pleads to be met with the shimmering blue of his boyfriend's eyes, the glow of his skin, his smile that could safe a million lives just by the crinkles in the corner of his eyes, and to feel the rhythmic beat of his heart once again. More than anything, he wishes he could turn back the clock to erase the past twenty-four hours of his life, as if it were actually possible to do that.

The longer Harry sits beside a lifeless Louis, the more he realizes that none of those things are possible. One of his best friends, his boyfriend, his Louis; is gone and Harry is too late to save him.

Harry doesn't try holding himself together anymore, when he removes his fingers from Louis' nonexistent pulse and throws his arms around the boy's body, sobbing loudly into his shoulder. He buries his nose in Louis' scent and inhales as much as he possibly can of it, wishing he could capture it and put it in a bottle to keep forever.

"Please," He chokes, the fabric of Louis' sweatshirt soaking up his tears. "Please don't leave me, I-"

"I can't do this without you, Lou. You don't deserve this."

"This, this is all my fault." Harry cries.

He stays there, holding onto Louis as if his life depends on it, for the following half hour. He blames himself for putting up a fight with the sensitive lad, for not staying at the flat and going to Niall's, for not driving fast enough to get home to Louis. He wonders if things would have been different had he arrived simply ten minutes earlier, if Louis would still be alive. It horrifies Harry that these moments will be the last time he'll ever get to spend with Louis, while the rest will soon become faint dreams and memories of the last five years that they've shared together. Not all memories last a lifetime, but he sure hopes those will.

* * * * * *

Harry screams out into the darkness of his room, tearing himself awake and away from the memories that haunt him. Tears stain his cheeks as he opens his eyes, blinking rapidly to keep himself from falling back asleep. He sits his body upwards, props himself up against his pillows, and glances at the clock beside him. It's nearly sunrise.

He puts his head in his hands while his mind replays the reoccurring nightmare over and over again. The amount of pain that he feels never decreases and if anything, that dream only makes it worse.

"Harry? You alright?" Harry recognizes the sound of the door being unlocked, followed by Niall's groggy voice. He nods weakly, even though his friend can't see. Before he can find the energy to mutter a reply, the lights are flipped on, making the both of them squint from the sudden brightness.

Niall frowns at the sight of Harry's bleary eyes, not needing to ask any further questions because he already knows what has happened. He hates how Harry is still having these nightmares that tear him apart, tragically reminding him of the day that ruined his life. Instead of watching Harry suffer alone, Niall shuffles over to the other side of Harry's bed before climbing in. He wraps his arms around the smaller boy with ease, holding him in a tight embrace. Harry nestles his nose into the crook of Niall's neck, gently closing his eyes while he tries to contain his sniffles. It wasn't meant to be anything uncomfortable or sexual, just a simple act of serenity to provide a sense of security that both of them could desperately use right now.

"I wish it would stop." Harry whispers after a brief pause, "I don't want to be reminded anymore... I just," He sighs. "I don't want to have to go through this for the rest of my life. I can't handle feeling like this forever- I don't want to."

"And you shouldn't have to." Niall replies, although he knows the underlying meaning to Harry's statement. "Things will get better, mate-"

"When?"

"You have to give it time. Everything gets better eventually."

"You keep saying that, but it's been over a year and it seems like things are getting worse." Harry states, meeting Niall's gaze with a hopeless expression. A few moments of silence pass and Niall is sure to choose his words wisely before speaking up.

"Remember the year before you met Louis, before we were even in high school, and we had that massive English exam that you failed?"

"I guess." Harry says, frowning at the memory.

"-You loved English so much, you practically thought the world was over after receiving that grade. You wouldn't hang out with me on the weekends anymore and spent the whole damn time sitting in your room writing for hours because you thought that you had absolutely no talent. Remember? Only three months later, you learned that there was in fact a mistake, and you had a perfect score of one-hundred percent... You never believed me back then when I told you that things would get better, but they did."

"Losing my boyfriend to suicide isn't the same as failing an exam, Niall."

"'Course it's not. But you never know when something good is going to happen to you, and it could change everything." Harry doesn't reply. He moves his head so that it's now resting on Niall's chest, listening to the older boy's steady breathing as he tries to control his own.

"Hey," Niall whispers softly, feeling Harry struggle to maintain a normal breathing pattern while another wave of inaudible cries wrack his body. "Did I say something? What's wrong?"

"What if-" The words are hardly able to leave Harry's mouth, instantly being interrupted by muffled sniffles. It takes another moment for him to recollect himself while Niall rubs soothing patterns in his back, reminding Harry that he can take all the time that he needs.

"What if he never loved me?" The broken boy suddenly asks, making Niall's heart clench. It astonishes him that Harry could even consider such a thing. "That's why he left."

"The hell are you going on about? Of course he loved you, Harry! Look at that tattoo you've got right there." Niall says, running his fingers along the outline on Harry's bicep.

"I should just get it removed." Harry mumbles. He sits up, shrugging Niall's touch away.

"Don't be like that. You got that tattoo because Louis wanted to have the other half, he wanted to be the one to guide you through the good and the bad. Even though he's not beside you and you're not able to hold the compass in your hand anymore, that doesn't mean you're going to be stranded forever. He can still guide you and he'll always be with you, just in a different way."

Harry stays quiet and Niall lets out a heavy sigh at his response. Harry isn't surprised when he mutely gets out of bed and walks out of the room, leaving Harry alone. He thought Niall had enough of listening to his useless worries, only to find the exact opposite when he returns to Harry's room seconds later.

Niall approaches his friend with a sad smile and Harry doesn't miss the white envelope clutched in his left hand. He tosses it onto Harry's lap, before standing beside him with his arms folded.

"I think it's time that you open it." He simply states. "You need to put your mind at ease and stop questioning yourself. I'm sure he tells you the truth."

Harry lets his eyes rest upon the letter, studying the same five letters scrolled into the front of the faded paper. He wonders how many sentences Louis had a chance to write, how many times he says the words 'I'm sorry', and if he felt the same amount of pain back then as Harry feels now, laying here without him. Finally, Harry nods.

Maybe this time, Niall is right.


	24. the letter

Harry,

This is the third time I've written one of these letters. Fortunately, I guess, you've never seen the others because I didn't think I was going to succeed. As much as it hurts me to say it, I hope it works this time. If you're reading this now, it's because I'm gone and I want you to be able to fully understand why I have left, Harry.

You know things haven't been easy for me. They never were. I was constantly called names, teased, and bullied for a portion of my life. I was never accepted by anyone, until I met you of course, and I still felt that I was missing a big part of myself... I was missing happiness.

Obviously, every moment that we've spent together, I was able to feel as if that missing piece was finally put in it's place. There wasn't a day that went by where you didn't make me laugh over one of your ridiculous jokes or horrible dance moves. Even when I was at my lowest, you somehow managed to find the best in me and I think that's why we made it this far. Somewhere along the way in this twisted journey, you found yourself. You grew into a handsome, young, aspiring writer who only wanted to bring out the best in everyone around you. You didn't judge me when you found out about my problems like others had, you simply wanted to help me get better.

But while you were busy growing and planning for the future, I was busy holding onto the past. All of the hurtful words that were ever said to me played over in my head to serve as a reminder of how worthless I was and the scars only made it worse. I tried to stop self harming for you. I know how much you hated it and I know how much it hurt you, but there was honestly nothing else that could ease the pain. I was trapped in a losing battle that I was never going to win.

About last night:   
I never meant to get upset about those pills. It was stupid of me, to get all defensive like that, and I knew there wasn't going to be much time left until you found out that I had been taking more than what was prescribed. I don't know how it happened, yet another disgusting addiction, but it felt like they made things a little bit easier. I knew it was wrong and I knew it was dangerous, but I didn't have anything to lose. If they helped ease the pain at that point, then why the hell not, right?

I'm not mad at you for anything that you said. Now I understand why you said those things, you were hurt and confused. I get it, I guess I would've been too if I was in your position. If anything, I deserved to hear it because it wasn't far from the truth. I'm not going to lie, I was pissed when I left the flat though.

I'm not quite sure how to tell you this next part and I'm sorry that you have to find out like this, but I did go to a club after our fight. I wasn't thinking and I decided that drinking to the point of impairment would be better than feeling the need to harm myself. It was weird being out there in a public place without you and everything escalated when I ran into some guy who also chose drinking as a way to escape reality. One thing led to another and... I slept with him, Harry. It wasn't until the next morning that I found out that it had been Zayn, that co-worker of yours.

I can't explain how I felt and the amount of regret I have while writing this. Although I don't remember much from my drunken state, I do know that it didn't feel the same. It was so, so wrong and I can't believe I cheated on my own boyfriend. I know I'm a coward, but I can't handle acting like everything is going to be okay after what I've done. It's not and I don't deserve to be here anymore. I don't deserve to have your forgiveness for things that you shouldn't be forgiving me for.

I hope you know that this isn't easy for me, to go through with this. I'm scared that I won't succeed, that I'll end up in a hospital room being watched by therapists 24/7. I'm terrified of what will happen to you while I'm gone and how you'll handle this. But I'm not scared of dying. This is my one chance at finally escaping all of the shit that I have to deal with every day and finding happiness elsewhere.

I want you to know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for fighting with you when all you wanted to do was help me. I'm sorry for not listening when I should have. I'm sorry for all of the unforgivable mistakes I've made and for cheating on you. I'm sorry for leaving you and I'm sorry if this is hard for you... Whatever you do, love, please promise me that you won't blame yourself for this. There is no way you could've stopped this or changed my mind. You've helped me battle my demons for the last five years and I wouldn't have gotten this far without you. I know this is what I want and the hardest thing for me is having to leave you behind. I want you to do whatever makes you happiest without me. It's alright to cry for a while, but you have a precious life that needs to be lived. I won't be mad if you find someone else one day, I know how much marriage and children mean to you. You deserve the world, Harry, and I'm sorry that I couldn't give it to you.

I hope you'll forgive me someday and I understand if you're upset. I wish I didn't feel as if I had to go through with this to find happiness and joy again, but I just don't want to live in pain for the rest of my life. I have everything planned out and I'm not going back now.

I'll never forget you, Harry. I love you so, so much.

 

Always,

Louis. x


	25. Chapter 25

~ 1 Year Later ~

 

Harry silently observes the scenery that passes him by, drinking in the burst of colors that paint the fall foliage. Every now and then he watches as a stray leaf lands on the windshield of the car, only to be blown off seconds later. To his left, Niall continues to hum quietly along to the radio, some kind of rock song, while drumming his fingers against the steering wheel to emphasize each beat. He didn't realize the growing bundle of nerves in the pit of his stomach up until now, but he reminds himself that he shouldn't be nervous. He has no reason to be.

Niall lowers the volume of the music when the song ends, looking over to Harry briefly while still managing to pay attention to the road in front of him. He pats the younger boy's knee with one hand, taking note of his lack of enthusiasm.

"You're sure you want to go here?" Niall asks for what feels like the twentieth time today. Harry has the urge to roll his eyes and reply with some kind of sarcastic response, but finds that all he can manage is a simple nod of his head. He's been planning this for weeks and he can't back out now.

"I'm sure." He confirms to both himself and Niall.

Soon, they're taking another turn and rounding one final corner before they're approaching the front gates. It seems as if the atmosphere around them has changed drastically, where they were once surrounded by trees of vibrant red and yellows in the middle of town, they are now left in a wide open area with very few colors to be seen. They are engulfed by a variety of dull grays, stones of all shapes and sizes, and patches of dead grass that haven't had a chance to come back to life. The crunching of gravel sounds beneath them as the car comes to a halt by the side of the unpaved road. Harry closes his eyes, inhaling and exhaling in a steady rhythm as he tries to gain control of his pulse. He knows this is a big step and it's going to be hard for him, but regardless it's something that he needs to do.

"Do you want me to come with you?" Niall wonders, moving his sunglasses to rest on the top of his head. Harry stays silent for a moment, gazing out the window to have a look at the place.

"No," He says softly, "I think I need to do this on my own."

A small smile makes its way upon Niall's face while he nods without saying another word. He's extremely proud of the younger boy for doing this, for feeling brave enough to take this huge step in what he hopes is the process of recovery. He's noticed many changes, good changes, in Harry throughout the past six months. It started with small things like the way he would wake up slightly earlier in the morning and openly talk with Niall almost every day before he went to work. One morning about two months after he opened the letter from Louis, which he read every single night, they shared one of the deepest conversations they had ever had and it seemed to be a turning point for Harry.

 

"I don't want to live like this anymore." He had stated. Sure, he'd said it plenty of times before, but it felt like there was a purpose behind it this time, like he actually meant it. Niall lowered his coffee cup to rest on the kitchen counter that he was leaning up against and continued to listen like he always did.

"I don't want to be... him. And I feel like that's who I've become." He spoke gradually with a soft tone, almost as if he was afraid of the words that were leaving his mouth. Niall furrowed his brows and tried to make sense of the statement.

"What do you mean?"

Harry sighed and shifted his gaze to his hands that were sitting in his lap, while he absentmindedly played with the rings that were on his fingers. "I'm the version of Louis that he never wanted anyone to be around."

"What are you-" Niall was about to question him further, but he proceeded.

"I'm the part of him that was hard to understand, who was broken, tired, and ... dying on the inside. I never understood it back then, but I see it now. I see the similarities, Niall. The way I close myself off and treat everyone like shit and I don't even notice I'm doing it! I'm just like him.

I hated seeing Louis like that." Harry's voice dropped to a whisper, tears collecting in the corners of his eyes. "I've put you through the same thing that I went through with Louis all of this time. I was too busy focusing on the pain and how alone I thought I was... I never even realized I was hurting you as well. I'm so sorry."

Niall simply nodded and brought the boy in for a hug. In the following months, things only got better from there. He was starting to look like a person again, the sparkle behind his green eyes and color in his features gradually coming back to life. It was something that Niall almost thought he'd never see again and the transformation happening before his eyes was breath taking. He was slowly getting his best friend back and he couldn't have been happier.

 

Harry wraps his fingers around his journal and pushes the passenger door open, letting the brisk autumn air hit his face. He then goes into the backseat to retrieve his guitar and bouquet of yellow roses, before shutting all of the doors and leaving Niall without another sound. He listens to the fallen leaves crunching beneath his feet with every step that he takes, his eyes drifting to read the words engraved into the partly faded stones that he passes.

His plan is to re-create the night that seemed as if it happened a lifetime ago, yet still manages to stand out clearly in his mind. He remembers the feeling of dread when he took notice of Louis' pills on the counter and the sheer disappointment when what was supposed to be a lovely and quiet night escalated into the complete opposite. Now, two years later, he still doesn't think he will ever be able to forget.

He stops walking once he reaches the end of the clearing and nears the edge of the woods. A gentle breath escapes his lips when he sees one of the newest stones sitting beside a maple tree, the letters etched into the front big, bold, and painful.

In Loving Memory of...

Louis William Tomlinson

December 24, 1991 - September 11, 2014

"In pursuit of happiness."

Harry's stare lingers on the words for a few moments, before he carefully tares his gaze away. He rests the flowers that are held tightly in one hand down onto the grass in front of the stone, making sure they are set perfectly in place. He then proceeds to put his guitar case and journal onto the ground while he lowers himself into a sitting position in the middle of his possessions. Sighing, he closes his eyes.

He takes deep breaths and tries to focus on the simple things, not letting his mind wander to places that he doesn't want it to go. He concentrates on the airy sound the wind makes as it rustles the leaves that have yet to fall down from the trees and the quiet chirp a bird makes every once in a while. The air is chilly, not cold enough for him to see his breath, but in a good kind of way. It's the kind of coolness that flushes your cheeks, dusts your fingertips and cleanses your mind. It's the epitome of quiet sitting here alone in the graveyard and Harry finds himself at ease.

A few minutes pass and Harry finally opens his eyes, shifting his stare back to the name written on the stone that continues to flash through his mind on replay. The feelings that course through his body are different, almost indescribable, and for the first time in two years he feels like the half that he's been missing is on the verge of being whole again. It's as if he feels close to Louis, as if he could practically feel his presence sitting beside him. And even though Harry thinks there's a good chance that he may just be going insane, he clings onto this feeling because he doesn't know if he'll ever be lucky enough to feel this way again and he knew that coming here, to Louis' grave, was the best option he had.

With little hesitation, he clears his throat quietly before whispering softly, "Hey, Lou."

He's met with nothing but the same stillness of his surroundings, not expecting it to be any different.

"I, um-" Harry pauses, letting his words get carried away by the wind. He tries to think of what to say, how to put all of the things that he's been feeling and wanting to tell Louis for the last two years into words. Except, his mind is blank and he doesn't have the slightest clue of where to begin.

"I'm sorry I didn't come here sooner. I don't really have an excuse. I've just," He bites his lip, looking down at the faded blades of green grass beneath him, frowning. "I didn't know what to do with myself."

"I was miserable after you left me, Louis. You were my everything, you know? Yeah, things were rough between us back then, but I never realized that the next morning you were just going to be... gone." Harry sighs and tries to swallow the growing lump in his throat, not able to stop himself from getting emotional.

"I didn't understand why you left me for the longest time. I was so confused and angry at everyone, Liam, Niall, Zayn, you... myself. I thought that what we had was something nobody else did, I thought that we were going to be together forever and I blamed myself for letting it slip away. It should never have had to come to this, no matter what you felt back then I shouldn't be here now, visiting you at your grave. This isn't how it's supposed to be." His voice drops to an almost inaudible tone.

"There were days where I didn't want to do this anymore, I didn't- I couldn't do this without you. I didn't want to think about life in general without you. I tried to be with you. I-" Harry confesses. He bites his lip harder as he struggles to contain his feelings that are slowly coming undone. "I didn't want to live if you weren't going to be in my life."

His fingers trace along the inside of his left wrist, wincing at the bitter memory of the day after he had opened Louis' letter. The harsh reality of everything that had happened was finally setting in and he couldn't handle it. So when Niall had no choice but to return to work after taking all of that time off, Harry found himself having a mental breakdown, sitting alone in the bathroom with a blade in his hand and a bottle of pills next to him. He did some damage that day, hurting himself and Niall in more ways than one, but no matter how hard he tried he, once again, couldn't bring himself to go through with his suicide attempt.

Harry shakes his head and sniffles quietly, before speaking in a somewhat livelier voice. "I guess one of the real reasons I came here today was because I have something I wanted to show you. I finished our song... the one that we started to write on the piano together? Yeah. It's um, it's probably not very good but..." He slowly unlatches the locks on his guitar case and grabs his journal, flipping through it and pulling out the old, crumpled page with a mixture of chords scribbled out in both Louis and Harry's writing. He tugs the guitar strap over his head and sets the instrument comfortably in his lap. His fingers brush across the metal strings and cold wood while he takes a moment to collect himself, trying to remember the opening chords.

A shaky breath escapes his lips as he begins to strum, filling the heavy air with a soft melody. He finds that he's nervous, scared almost, to sing the song for the first time. But when he opens his mouth to let the words fly out, he reminds himself that it's only Louis and there's nothing to be afraid of.

"I got a heart and I got a soul, believe me I will use them both." Harry closes his eyes, getting lost in the slow tempo of the song. "We made a start, be it a false one I know. Baby I don't want to feel alone." A ghost of a frown paints his face while he continues to sing, this time belting out the lyrics a little bit louder.

"So kiss me where I lay down my hands pressed to your cheeks, a long way from the play ground."

"I have loved you since we were eighteen." His hand skillfully moves up and down the fret board, the other strumming and plucking the strings in an advanced pattern. He reminisces on the time when Louis was helping him come up with the simple four-chord melody and when the two nearly stayed up all morning long picking away at the verses. Suddenly, he's aware of how real this all is. Two and a half years ago Harry would have never pictured himself sitting at his deceased boyfriend's grave, singing him a song about the love that they once shared. "Long before we both thought the same thing, to be loved and to be in love.

And all I could do, is say that these arms are made for holding you." Tears pool into the corners of his eyes as he thinks about the meaning behind every word, remembering all of the bittersweet memories that they've shared. The lump in his throat is painful now and he knows that he won't be able to sing for much longer. Still, he forces himself to proceed, his voice cracking and breaking at almost every syllable. "I wanna love like you made me feel, when we were eighteen- ... I can't do this."

Harry promptly stops playing and lets his hands fall from the strings, not bothering to finish the progression. He rests his elbows on top of the guitar and buries his head into his hands, releasing the wave emotions that he's fought hard to contain. A muffled whimper escapes his lips while he cries and silently wishes that his life hadn't come to this.

"I'm sorry." He murmurs, after removing his hands from his now red and very puffy eyes. The wind is cold when it hits his tear-stained cheeks, making him snuggle into the warm material of his coat a little bit more.

"I miss you, Louis." He sniffles, "God, I miss you so much."

"I'll never forgive myself for what happened, for not saving you. It's not fair." Harry whimpers weakly. He looks up to the sky, watching the white puffy clouds swirl around effortlessly in the air. "I hope you've found happiness up there, love. No matter what you think, you do deserve it more than anything else. I just, I really wish you could still be here with me."

Harry sat there, thinking, reflecting, and finally letting go of things that have been weighing him down for the last two years, for two and a half hours. He smiled and laughed at some of the memories that were brought back to him, he cried until his throat burned and his stomach physically couldn't handle the pain any longer, and he talked to Louis about everything he's missed, until he eventually ran out of things to say. He almost felt bad for keeping Niall waiting for so long, but the older lad insisted that he understood and wanted him to take all of the time in the world if that's what Harry needed.

When he was finally ready to go home, he ended up leaving the crumpled up piece of paper with all of the lyrics behind, along with one of his most prized possessions- his journal. It was his old journal now and he did have copies of all the most important poems, but it only felt right to give it to Louis. Harry didn't have any use for it anymore.

"I love you." He promised one final time, brushing his fingers across the stone. The sincerity and passion behind the statement was heartbreaking, because it was true, Harry will always love Louis with everything he has.

As him and Niall were driving away, Harry made a vow to himself. This, he thought, was the beginning of a new chapter in his life. What's done, is done and instead of letting the battles in his life define him, he's going to rise above them. Things could only get better from here and he hoped that this would be a step in the right direction. Louis had finally found his happiness and now, it was time for Harry to find his.

|"In a way, life is like a snow storm. Not everyone is brave enough to make it through, sometimes even the strongest of warriors get swallowed up and the ones who would have never expected to survive, prevail. It can be cold and lonely if you fail to see the beauty of it all, but no blizzard will last forever and the snow will always melt eventually."|


	26. Epilogue

"Do you have a minute?"

Harry let's out a gentle sigh at the voice coming from the doorway of his office. He drops his hands from the stack of unorganized papers sitting on top of his desk and swiftly moves the pile aside, nodding apathetically. He slumps back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest.

"What do you need, Zayn?"

"Sorry, I can come back if it's a bad time-" Zayn begins, immediately sensing the boy's bad mood.

"No, no, m'fine." Harry interrupts before shaking his head. "Just been a bit stressed out this week, is all. What's up?"

"I uh, just wanted to let you know that I'm leaving early today. Liam and I are celebrating our anniversary." Zayn beams at the mention of his boyfriend, making a small smile break out onto Harry's face as well. It's comforting to know how much Zayn cares for Liam.

"And why are you telling me this? I'm not the boss." Harry laughs while shaking his head.

"Well I know you've been busy and I just wanted to make sure you'd be alright by yourself for a couple of hours."

Harry rolls his eyes, "Why wouldn't I be? Seriously, mate, I'll be fine. It is Friday, after all. Go have fun." Zayn's gaze lingers for a beat while he continues to lean up against the frame of the door. He shrugs, pushing himself onto his feet, now standing.

"Alright," He concludes, "Congratulations, by the way." Now, it's Harry's turn to grin widely at the mention of his new-found success.

Right around the same time that Harry had started to find himself again, he had been thinking a lot about the people involved in his life, reflecting on the memories shared, and times that they'd always been there for him. He came to the realization that he couldn't live his whole life shutting people out just because of mistakes that were made in the past and he couldn't keep closing himself inside of this tiny bubble with only Niall as refuge. Even if Niall wouldn't admit it, he missed witnessing the growing bond between Harry and Liam, and believe it or not, Harry missed it too. He knew that Louis wouldn't want this between himself and his friends, this widening gap that only seemed to grow larger over time. So finally, after six months of ignoring everyone around him, he decided to make things right.

First, he went to Liam, confessing why it hurt so much when he had found out that Liam lied to him. Harry knew that by letting Liam back into his life he would instantly be allowing the same for Zayn, they were a package deal now. Although it still bothered him that Zayn had shared a great level of intimacy with Louis, something that was only supposed to be shared between Harry and Louis, Harry didn't want to overlook the friendship that he had with Zayn in the very beginning either. There were a lot of times when Zayn was there for him even when Niall wasn't and that still meant something to Harry.

Eventually, when Zayn re-claimed his position at the publishing company, Harry returned to work as well. But instead of publishing other people's work while wondering what it would be like to have something of his own published for a change, he mustered up a bit of courage to actually pursue something for himself. Louis had always talked about how stunning his poems were, how one day he knew that they would be published, and how Harry deserved for the world to read them. It turns out that Louis' predictions had come true when the deal became finalized just last week, with Harry's book launch now set for next Monday evening.

"Thanks, Zayn." Harry says right before the older boy walks out of the room, genuinely meaning the statement. Zayn had helped him out a lot with the editing and speeding up the whole process and Harry knew that it wouldn't have been possible without him.

-

Harry arrives back at the flat a little before 7 pm and he can easily say that he's exhausted. This week has been like nothing he had ever experienced, stressful, but in a good way. He was looking forward to finally being able to sit down and have a quiet night in with Niall in hopes to somewhat prepare him for next week. He's easily confused though, when he stands outside and hears multiple voices coming from the inside of the flat.

He furrows his brows before pushing the door open, his body staying still and mouth dropping open in disbelief, not expecting to be met with the familiar faces staring sheepishly back at him from the kitchen. His eyes wander from Niall, Liam, and Zayn who are sitting peacefully at the table, to Anne, Jay, Gemma, and Lottie who all seem to be in the midst of decorating a cake. Baking ingredients and an array of different colored frostings cover the counter tops while streamers and balloons that say 'congratulations!' engulf the flat.

"Surprise?" Niall says with a grin, although the statement comes out more like a question. It takes a moment for Harry to process it all. If they had wanted this to be a surprise then, yes, they had certainly succeeded.

"What, uh, what is all of this?" Harry asks, slowly making his way towards the others and motioning to all of the decorations. "What are all of you doing here? ... Jay, Mum?" His eyes fill with tears as he wraps his arms tightly around his mother, who he hasn't seen since the week after Louis died.

They've talked on the phone recently and one of Harry's biggest regrets is how he shut her out of his life for all of that time. Of course Anne was extremely worried about her son, and still is sometimes, but for the most part she understands why Harry acted the way that he had. Losing someone is hard, especially when you love them as much as Harry loved Louis, and it's not something that you can just move on from in a day or two. Five years of putting his trust and love into Louis and all of a sudden he vanished, leaving Harry completely and utterly alone. It wasn't easy for her, but she knew that she had to give Harry space and time to find himself again.

"I'm sorry," He feels the need to mumble as he buries his face into her shoulder, letting the warm cotton of her sweater soak up his tears. "I should've visited you or talked to you sooner, I just- I'm sorry." He rambles, overwhelmed with emotions.

"Shhh," Anne whispers softly. She rubs Harry's back in a soothing manner and keeps her voice calm when she speaks next, doing her best not to start crying as well. "You're so brave for getting through all of this. You've no idea how proud of you I am, Harry. I love you so much."

"Love you too, mum." Harry replies after lifting his chin up off of her shoulder to meet her gaze with a teary-eyed smile. He then steps away from his mum and shifts his focus back to Niall who's still watching on from the other side of the kitchen.

"This was your idea?" He asks, already knowing the answer from the way Niall is beaming back at him. The older boy nods.

"You did all of this? You called my mum and Jay and bought all of these decorations?" He asks again, only to receive another nod in reply.

"Well, I had a little help from these two with the decorations." Niall says, referring to Liam and Zayn with a shrug. Harry scoffs while shaking his head. It's no wonder why Zayn had to leave work early, they must have spent a minimum of two hours putting up all of these bloody streamers.

"But it's your anniversary, you guys shouldn't be here. You should be out on a date, going to some fancy restaurant somewhere, you know, just the two of you." Harry protests and Zayn laughs.

"Mate, we see each other every day. Doing this for you is more important." Liam pipes up, leaving Harry at a loss for words. When he walked through that door nearly ten minutes ago, he certainly wasn't expecting to be met with a house full of people giving their full attention to him. The fact that Liam and Zayn would forgo spending their anniversary alone to be with Harry and his family really meant a lot to him and he doesn't quite understand what he did to deserve such amazing friends. He's not sure what to say next, so he says the only phrase that comes to mind.

"Thank you." The words escape his mouth hardly above a whisper, but loud enough for the three boys to hear. He smiles before pressing his lips together firmly and Niall notices that he's close to tears again, so he brings the boy in for a hug. "Thank you for this." Harry repeats with nothing but sincerity laced in his voice, not knowing what else to say that could get his point across. "Thank you."

 

Harry spends the rest of the night laughing, telling stories, and catching up with Jay, Gemma, Lottie and his mum. By the time everyone leaves to go back home, his face and cheeks hurt from smiling so much and this, he thinks, is definitely the most fun he's had in a very long time.

He can't remember the last time he felt this way, this genuine happiness and sense of belonging. Every part of him that was previously missing felt like it had finally found its rightful place, with his mind at ease and all of the weight that he's been carrying around for years suddenly lifted off of his shoulders.

He reminisces on those times of despair that seem as if they took place in a completely different lifetime. The person he was back then, definitely isn't the person he is today. He can't believe that he had come so close to taking his his life not once, but twice. He let the past take control of everything that we was worth, trapping him into a viscous cycle of regret that he's just now learned how to escape from.

If Harry could give one piece of advice to anyone who's struggling and contemplating whether or not to take their own lives- don't. He never wanted to listen to anyone when they used to tell him that things really do get better, but it's true. Everyone was put on this earth for a reason, they have a purpose, every life matters. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's this kind of unforeseen epiphany that he wishes hadn't taken him the last two years of miserable desperation to discover.

For the very first time, he's grateful that he's still alive. If he hadn't fought his way through the dark, he would've never found the light and maybe, just maybe, losing Louis had made him stronger in all of the right ways. Only, it took him a couple of years and one-too-many tears shed to realize that.


End file.
